As I sit here trying to stay awake for my night shift I’m sitting here pondering what the difference is between my good and bad days.
My bad days aren’t really what you would consider bad. I’m considered high functioning even on my bad days. I get out of bed, I go to work and I do things around the house. The difference is I do it slower and am more panicked than usual.
I literally know the minute I wake up what my day will be like. If I wake up and automatically have a pit in my stomach and feel like the world is ending, obviously I’m going to have a bad day. I still pull myself out of bed, even though I don’t want to. I don’t know how many times I’ve had someone tell me, “Well you can’t be depressed because you get out of bed and do things all the time.” That my friends, does not mean I’m okay. It means I am pushing myself so hard to get up to do those things. To put my happy face on and go on with my day. You see me out and about and I’ll have a smile on my face, I’ll talk and have conversations like no body’s business. What you don’t see is when I’m alone. I look like my dog just died. And if you met Ellie you’d know what my face would look like. I don’t care if my clothes match or if my hair has been brushed. I’ll forget to brush my teeth and I’ll sit on the couch all day, because if I get up to do something I’ll just feel crappy the whole time. I sleep a lot and just want to be cuddled.
My bad days aren’t only bad for me, they are bad for my boyfriend too. I feel so horrible when I know it’s a bad day because I know he wants to help. I just don’t know how to tell him I need help. Half the time I don’t know what’s causing my problems to begin with. He is so amazing to put up with all my crap every single day. He is a saint. He is my rock and he is one of the main reasons I push myself to get up in the morning. I know he needs me as much as I need him. I know he hurts for me and that hurts me even more. Guys, when I say I’m lucky to have Terry in my life, I really mean it. It’s like I won the lottery with him! I will praise him into tomorrow with how well he treats me when I’m bawling curled up into a ball.
Yes, my bad days can take a huge role on my life but they make me who I am today. You can’t have the good without the bad…
Stay tuned so a more positive up lifting blog about my good days. Trust me it’s ten times better. Or is it?
Peace and love friends ✌🏻💕