And then the Lord said… you have anxiety and depression..

My senior year of high school was interesting to say the least. I had a lot of issues and problems with life and family. My grandpa was getting sicker with Alzheimer’s, my dad was diagnosed with MS. Two really important men in my life got sick and I could do nothing about it. One teacher noticed how I had been off and had me talk to my counselor.

This was a huge mistake. I mean I’m 17 almost 18. She should not have said anything to my mom or dad if I didn’t say I wanted to harm myself right? Wrong. She told, and that made life harder for me. Mom wanted things to be perfect and have no problems. She didn’t understand what was going on. It’s not her fault but it hurt me in the long run. I had no one to turn to to talk to. I couldn’t talk to my friends or family.

I ended senior year with a few less friends, a little more anxiety, and way more depression. My grandpa died the day before my graduation. Talk about a bad time. This was when I realized that something was more wrong than I thought.

Go a couple years into the future and you have me babysitting two adorable girls ignoring all the bad thoughts in my head. The multiple times I had thought about killing myself. Having plans and knowing what I wanted in my letter to my friends and family. I get on Facebook and see one of my friends from grade school killed herself. Sorry, what?! This doesn’t happen. My mom didn’t answer her phone, my sister answered and knew how to get ahold of her. It couldn’t be true. But it was. My mom had gone to the hospital with my friends mom. She was gone.. 20 years young.

Not long after her funeral I went to my dad and told him I thought I was depressed. He went with me to the doctor and sat and listened while I told the doctor everything. How I cry all the time, how I feel worthless and don’t deserve to be alive. How I had plans to kill myself multiple times. I had never seen my dad cry like that in my life. I was bawling of course. Thankfully my doctor is amazing. He knew how to approach the situation and helped us both.

A couple years prior I got into a situation that really made all my depression and anxiety worse.. that’s for another time though..

Peace and love my friends ✌🏻💕

Sorry for the deep ness of this post.

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