Alcohol.. man’s best friend..

Wait, that’s a dog.

Alcohol when you have depression and anxiety can be a saint and a curse. I take my meds and drink I get superrrr drunk after only a few drinks. I don’t take my meds and drink I get super emotional and it’s pretty pathetic how much more depressed I get.

Which do I prefer you ask? Honestly, I’d rather get more emotional than super drunk. So here I sit at 12:36am drinking wine alone and no medication in my system.

Isn’t that bad not to take your medication? Yeah, it is but sometimes I need to feel. Feel emotions not blocked by medication.

But don’t you end up feeling worse in the end? Yes and no. I don’t get the super bad hangover if I got completely trashed but I do wake up feeling more crappy than usual. Oh well.

Do you want to know what it feels like? What goes through my mind? Because it’s not happy. It’s not great. I act goofy and aloof on the outside but on the inside I’m judging myself, hating myself, drinking myself into a mess all because I want to feel something without medication. I love my medication. It gets me through super tough days. It gets me through super tough times. It also makes me not feel a thing.

I’m sitting here now with that welling feeling in my chest of a huge cry coming. I’m sitting here questioning if I’m good enough. If I’m meant to be here. If I really deserve everything I’ve gotten in life. I sit here and I drink and I type. Outside Ashley? She’s as cool as a cucumber. Inside Ashley? Oh she’s a mess.

Again you ask why? Why do this to yourself? Why make yourself feel bad? I don’t do it on purpose guys, I really don’t. I just want to unwind and relax like a normal person. Can’t I have that too?

Don’t judge me for drinking every once and awhile. Don’t judge me for letting loose if I’ve had my medication, because trust me I’m a whole totally different Ashley. You wouldn’t recognize me. I don’t even recognize myself. But guess what? I am still myself, I guess it’s just that hidden deep down person I hide.

Please drink responsibly. Please drink in moderation. That’s all I ask here at the end. I’ve seen alcoholics who I’ve loved, I’ve seen people die because of it, I’ve seen loved ones almost die because of it. It’s not worth it.

Peace and love and cheers! ✌🏻💕🥂

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