Fighting alone?

Picture this:

You are in a room all alone no doors only two small windows to look out of. There’s no one to talk to, no matter where you turn you are alone. You yell for help and no one seems to hear you, not even from those tiny windows. The next thing you know you have thoughts flying at you, saying you’re not good enough, no one is there for you, you have no friends, your family is ashamed of you. Despite the windows and the little light shining through all you see is darkness. You see no way out. You start to go crazy with thoughts of killing yourself, of how wonderful it would feel not hurting anymore. How one cut makes the pain less painful, then another and another until you’ve got multiple gashes in your arms. You believe that there is no one to help you and that there never will be.

Want to know what you just pictured? My brain on some of my worst days.

Now picture this:

You’re on the outside of that dark room now. Surrounded by people laughing and joking. Out in the bright sunshine. You go to parties and are “smiling”. You go to family gatherings and say everything is alright. You participate. You laugh you live. People tell you they understand that they are there for you. You look back into those tiny windows and see that dark place again. Taunting you, telling you those people are lying. That no one actually will be there for you when it gets tough. That you will have to always fight this alone. You keep pushing through day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute until you can be alone again in that dark place. That dark place sucks you in and holds you there with no end in sight. You get glimpses of the outside of those people who care about you. Your brain just doesn’t let you believe it. How many times you’ve been hurt, how many people have let you down. You just don’t ever feel like anyone is actually there for you.

Guys, that’s real life for me and I’m sure I’m not the only one. I feel like I’m fighting a battle alone despite the love and support I get from my family, Terry, and his family. From my work family, and my friends. No matter what goes on in the light of the world, that dark place is always there to pull me back just enough to keep making me feel hopeless, to feel defeated. It fluctuates everyday. Some days I know I’ve got my support system and others I feel like there’s no one left on this planet but me.

Some days I feel like my feelings get pushed off like they don’t matter. Heck I’ve had people walk away from me awkward because I’ve gotten upset about talking about a sensitive issue. Sometimes I feel like the only way to survive the outside world is to lie. To say I’m okay. To smile and laugh and pretend that my life is going great. Don’t get me wrong there are portions of my life that are absolutely wonderful. They just get pushed away by that darkness.

Things have happened a lot these past couple months. And I need to be more consistent with my blogs. I need to push the acceptance of mental health as an issue that needs to be seen and treated and talked about. Under-diagnosing is a thing. Not fully treating is a thing. Heck, sometimes I don’t even know how to explain to my doctor what’s going on that I don’t know if I’m getting the right treatment. I do know though. I am not alone. I do not fight alone. There is a whole community fighting for their lives daily, struggling to wake up, get out of bed, and do life. We are the community of mental health and we deserve to be treated like anyone else with a physical illness.

It’s no laughing matter to joke oh I’m depressed because my favorite show ended. No you’re sad that your favorite show ended. Im depressed because I feel like I’m alone in this world, have been abused and traumatized and I just want to die. That’s depressed. There are two different meanings between depressed and sad. I’ve heard so many people joke about being depressed I’ve wanted to say so badly, would you really like to see what that’s like? Do you want to see my scars?

Too many people that I care about have been or are being affected by these illnesses everyday including myself. It hurts me that all I can do is sit here as write these blogs. I can’t make you read it, I can’t make you fight for your life. I can however educate, speak up for those who are too afraid to do it themselves, and stand beside those who need someone to lean on.

Be a supporter, lover, fighter, caregiver, friend to those you know might need one. You never know what goes on in the darkness of others. Just be mindful and considerate.

That’s all for now my friends, peace and love ✌🏻💕

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