The real life

Imagine, you deal with your mental illness daily, taking medicines, going to the doctor, everything you normally do. Boom, you start nursing school. You go on about your days the way you always have with maybe just a little more stress in your life nothing major out of the ordinary. You sail through first term and second term and everything is fine. Third term is here and you know your are taking psych and have a psych clinical! You are ecstatic because you love all things mental health and can’t wait to learn more. You couldn’t be more wrong

You’re in the first day of your semester, psych clinical day! You are all prepared for this and can’t wait to see what is in store. You have your favorite clinical instructor from last term and have heard good things about your facility. Pre-conference goes well and now it is time to tour the facility. You see how things are kept and how secluded the patients are, thinking to yourself I could have been here, I could have ended up in a place like this if I didn’t get help. Everything fascinates you and you can’t wait to start talking to people and participating in things.

Post conference doesn’t go as well at pre-conference. You start talking about self harm and low and behold you speak up about your cutting episodes and how you understand how you don’t feel anything when you do it, how when you get tattoos it feels wonderful, how all that pain is like taking the emotional pain out of your body. You then tense up and fold into your shell, thinking your classmates and instructor are thinking bad things about you now.

An hour and a half lunch break and you’re free for a little bit. Call dad on the way home to eat lunch and talk about what happened that morning. He makes me feel better and tells me its okay and it will get better. Come home to the boyfriend and you feel safe.

Now, back at school it’s simulation time. You watch the interaction example of what you are supposed to do. The person who is the patient is so believable and the story line is similar to things you have experienced and feelings start to flood your brain. Next thing you know you are crying thinking back to the days you wanted to die, you felt worthless and wanted to kill yourself. It is now time to split into the clinical groups again. You walk out crying telling the instructor you can’t do this, you need to sit out this first round, you can barely get words out and just keep crying. By the second go around you feel more comfortable and ask to do the next round alone.

It actually goes wonderful. You picture yourself sitting in the patient’s seat and talk to the patient like you would want someone to talk to you if you came into the clinic feeling this way. It made things so much easier and it flowed so well. You have never felt more relaxed in your life. By the end of the day you are exhausted and feel like you’ve had the wind knocked out of you but you made it. One day down a few more weeks to go until the next clinical starts.

Guys, yesterday was so hard for me. So many emotions filled my head and I felt defeated, but you know what? I got back up and excelled. I didn’t let it get me down and make me fail the day. I know I’m stronger than I feel and hopefully as the weeks go by it gets a little easier.

Peace and love my people

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