I have no inspiration no story no nothing to go with this blog. I just need to write and put my shitty feelings out there. I need to feel better and word vomit all over this blog. I have no advice. Nothing that’s probably worth reading, yet here I am typing away. I don’t know if anyone really reads these blogs or even values what I type in them. Honestly I wonder some days if people even value who I am. What I stand for and what I believe in. I wonder why I always feel like throwing up and why I’m crying all the time now. Why I absolutely love my boyfriend but I’m just so stressed and busy the littlest things piss me off. Why I’m here why I’m still breathing. Why I care so much about the people I love and why they don’t seem to care or believe that I care so much about them. I know for damn sure this isn’t a pitty post. And it’s not for you to tell me everything will be okay, because it won’t. Not right now. I honestly don’t know if it ever will be. I wonder why I feel like I need to be locked away and away from people and I wonder how I’m going to be able to take care of people when I can hardly take care of myself most days. Why I let little things cause me panic and anxiety, and why I’m always being compared to literally everyone. Why people can’t understand that mental illness doesn’t just go away like the flu or a cold and why people can’t take no for an answer. Why all of a sudden my PTSD is making my life hell and why I can’t stand being touched anymore when I love hugs. Why I feel worthless and why nothing seems to be right anymore. Why it literally feels like my world is falling apart as I type. Why I just really want to take it out on a punching bag nine times out of ten and why all I can think about it cutting myself.
This is getting deeper and darker as I type and I apologize for anyone who actually reads this.
Too broke for a tattoo so cutting is where my mind goes for pain release. How I feel like just staying at my psych clinical and admitting myself for some kind of evaluation because I don’t know what life is anymore. How I don’t feel loved or wanted really anywhere I go. And how I feel everyone is talking about me everywhere and every time I hear whispers.
Then I’m sitting here wanting to help everyone. My friends my family my patients my clinical patients. How I want to stand up for those who can’t open up and tell their story to those who have been through what I have or worse. I just want to help.
But how does that work? Wanting to cut myself and then wanting to help anyone and everyone? it makes no sense. I make no sense. I’m not reaching out I’m not asking for help. I’m sitting here. Typing my feelings out for the world to see. To understand how ridiculous my brain gets when I have an episode. When I have a meltdown. When I feel the lowest of the low. Life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. I’m still learning that and realizing that it won’t ever be.
So here’s to you. If you made it through this blog. If you even opened it and just scrolled to the bottom. Welcome to my brain at this very moment.