Coronavirus or the devil you decide..

Ever since this whole virus thing started and we have been on lockdown, I’ve gone to work and home and occasionally to the store for food. Always wearing my mask and the like. I work in a Children’s hospital where kids don’t know how to cough properly or cling to you with snot and drool falling off their face in clumps. I’m always at a risk. Always.

I haven’t seen my parents since January the beginning of January. I’ve gone about 4 months or so without seeing them, hugging them, being with them in person. Four months of not seeing ellie, playing with her, cuddling her, nothing. It’s normal for me not to see my family very often because of school and work, but with school at home and only working twice a week it’s getting tough.

I had planned on going home last weekend to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I had texted her to let her know earlier in the week. I video chatted with my parents a day later and was told because I work in the hospital they didn’t feel comfortable with me coming over. Which I get because my dad’s MS and he is immunocompromised. It hurt like I was being stabbed but I knew it was best for my dad.

My mental health has been declining a lot lately and I’m just not me. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep and when I do sleep it’s tossing and turning. I’m home every day for school and when it’s not that it’s work. I just don’t fill fulfilled now. Not even my workouts help. They do in the moment but not for long. I’m sitting up right now when I should be sleeping because I have class early tomorrow. But here I sit and just got off the phone with dad.

He’s my go to person when I need someone to talk to because his la de da attitude and voice just make me feel calm. He’s not a man of many words. I was starting to feel better but waterworks were coming because I just want to be there. So I asked, when can I come visit? He said well I don’t know maybe when you have been home and no where else for two weeks to make sure you don’t have it. My heart literally sank. I have to work two days a week. I don’t have PTO to use for that. God knows when I’ll get to see them again. It’s been so hard for me these past few months. I feel isolated. I feel distraught and I feel hopeless.

To close please check on your loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses. Being at home all the time can definitely take a tole on them during this pandemic. Make sure they are okay. Video call them, call them, drive by and talk through a window. Be there for them.

Goodnight my friends I hope sleep finds you well. Maybe I’ll see you there.

Peace and love 💕

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