Have you ever been torn between going home or going home? Confused? Let me explain. For the past month I’ve been going to my parents house or Home A a few days every week to help out my dad so mom can get work done. Meaning I’m here with Terry at Home B the few other days. I’ve been on leave so I normally stay two to three days and make it like a work schedule. Some weeks are easier to come to Home B than others.
I was quarantined at Home A for two weeks because mom had Covid and I had to take care of him, mom, and then the dog who got sick too. It felt like I was back in their house. I cuddled the dog and got to spend more time with my parents which I haven’t been able to do since nursing school started. By the end of those two weeks I missed Terry something terrible but I didn’t want to leave my dad. Eventually they told me to come home because they saw how stressed, mentally unstable, and tired I was.
Fast forward to now today and we face a similar problem. I was originally supposed to come to Home B tonight after staying yesterday and today with dad, but dad asked if I would stay until Wednesday to which I originally said yes. Here we were Tuesday afternoon and something just comes over me. I can’t breathe, all I want to do is cry and sleep and I feel like I’m all alone. We sit and eat dinner and I ask mom how long she would need me tomorrow and she said like an hour. Dad chimes in with but you can stay longer if you want. I just nodded and kept my face down at my plate. After dinner I had to run to my old bedroom to cry and lay down because I couldn’t stay up anymore.
Mind you I had an out of the blue panic attack on Sunday when Terry and I visited them and here I was having another. Mom comes in and asks what I want to do. And we decided together that it would be silly for me to stay because I’d be asleep the whole time she needed me and dad probably would too. Then I start crying again. Dad makes me feel guilty for leaving. I know he doesn’t mean to but he does.
I get everything packed and do everything I need to do before I go and when I go to hug dad he squeezes me and says I wish you could stay longer and visit more, I really miss you. Well if you know me you know I’m still a daddy’s girl at 27 years old and I took off bawling because I felt horrible. I cried most of my drive home and here I am crying in bed again trying to push this panic attack away.
Why are these things happening you ask? Good question. Part of me knows I want to be at Home B with Terry because I want to spend time with him and part of me wants to be in Home A because I don’t know how long I’ll have with my dad or what tomorrow brings. Yes I’m not far but that hour and a half one way gets to you. I feel like it’s my job to take care of my parents, and I feel like I have a duty to Terry too. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions. The thing is, I don’t even know where I really want to be, I just know where I need to be.
I just wish Home A and B could be closer because I’m going to end up beating myself up for not being at one or the other when I need to be plus I start my graduate nurse position in the new year.
I honestly feel like scum of the earth right now leaving him tonight. I feel like scum when I leave Terry. I hate myself almost everyday for not being able to do more. And I know that’s not my job, but it’s how my brain works. It’s a funny thing “how my brain works”. It’s my reason for everything, why I’m panicking about a big crowd, why I’m crying at a home video, why I’m crying snuggling the dog. That’s just how it works.
So if you see me crying in the next few days or weeks this is probably why, so just distance hug me or send me a nice message. I like those, just you know I’ve been thinking about you type ones.
I hope you all have a happy holiday!
Peace and love