Where have I been…?

Here I sit it’s basically 5am on a Sunday. I don’t work again until Friday, and I’ve not gone to bed yet. Am I tired? Kind of. Do I want to sleep? I actually don’t really know. Do I feel like crap and hate myself? Oh most definitely.

Life has been a literal rollercoaster lately. This pst week I was supposed to have a surgery that would change my life. It would make most of not all things much easier for me. That day came and I was sick the whole day. Thoughts of hatred towards myself stayed in my head all day. Thoughts of you did this to yourself and now you have to wait until the end of the year to do anything. It’s made thinking about vacation in June horrible. It’s made thinking about putting anything on other than my baggy scrubs and loose shirts, yoga pants and big shirts anger me.

Why be vague? That’s what I’m out here to do.

November I will be having a breast reduction. The thing that was supposed to happen last week. Ever since I made the appointment in January they feel like they keep getting bigger, heck I know they do because pain. My back always catches, my shoulders are starting to catch as well. I can’t sleep comfortably without feeling like I’m choking or my skin pulling from them falling into my arm pits. It’s been so bad I can’t feel comfortable doing anything.

I tried on my bikini top from the past few years. It doesn’t really fit. Do you know how hard it is to find a top that fits an I cup? It’s ridiculous. I have to buy bigger sized shirts for my chest not my stomach, although at the rate my binge eating disorder seems to be taking over I’ll need them for my stomach too. I can’t exercise or even take a simple walk without being winded in the first 5 minutes because they are so heavy to carry around I feel like I’m carry 20 pounds on my chest.

I take my meds for my eating disorder and they’ve done nothing. I keep gaining and I keep eating. I feel disgusting. I look disgusting. I hate myself. It’s a cycle that just.never.stops. Working night shift does absolutely nothing to help me. I drink caffeine to stay awake and snack because why not. I sleep half the day then get up only to go back to bed in a few hours when I have days off. Work is extremely stressful at the moment so I eat because of that. There are things going on in my family life that make me angry and stressed so I eat more. Then I look at myself and see this huge ugly rounded blob and eat more because what else is there to do.

My back has a hump from my chest making me too heavy. My stomach’s rolls have rolls. I have enough fat on my back to probably make a miniature sized me. I don’t like myself. I worry I’m being judged. By random people on the street, my family, Terry’s family, Terry, my coworkers, I even worry my patients judge me.

I’m going to therapy but with work being hectic and not being able to get every week, it’s not done much. I’ve gone twice in the past 5 weeks and I haven’t even touched the surface. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Be that my hating myself or because night shift life I don’t know.

I’ve been crying a lot more lately. At movies (I’ve seen Guardians of the galaxy 2 a crap ton of times and I bawled watching the end Friday night), at words, at myself, and just because.

I actually had a really good birthday two weeks ago. We got out of town for a few days and Terry and I got to recharge as a couple. Actually take that back it wasn’t really good.. my mom barely texted me happy birthday, it was like she was stating a fact to someone she didn’t even know, and I had to remind my dad.. my own sister who I don’t talk to regularly wished me a happy birthday on her own. I know I’m 28 who cares. I care. Birthdays are my day. The day I can fake that everyone loves me and gives me attention. The one day for me out of the whole year. But I didn’t really get that.

Dad’s temper has gotten bad since his relapse in October and everything that’s happened the past 6 months. He doesn’t have his vices anymore so he’s more angry. He yelled at me for wanting to show them the condo we stayed at because he was tired. So I got yelled at. On my birthday.

I have panic attacks most days before going to work because I’m scared I’m going to mess up. Yeah I say I’m thriving because I’m charge nurse already, but if you don’t know what a charge nurse does you would t understand, plus taking on a patient assignment on top of that. I absolutely love my job do not get that fact wrong. But being a baby nurse, charge nurse, and working on a psych floor at night when you’re the only floor nurse working with a float pool nurse is nerve wrecking.

I tried sticking the ups of the roller coaster in here but come to find out I didn’t have many.

I’m full of hate, anger, disgust. Not just in myself but of the whole human race. I don’t even want to speak to people anymore because all they have are opinions that they want to shove down your throat. Or tell you you’re wrong. People can’t keep quiet they always have to share why they think the other person is wrong. Damn people. What happened to being kind.

Hell I don’t even want to speak to some of my family because even they have started acting this way. Or they have such different views of myself that I’ve never noticed before that I really don’t want to speak to them. Don’t get me wrong their opinion is their opinion. More power to them but it’s just not what I want to associate myself with.

And you know what else? I’ve had it up to the moon with my grandma. She’s done some shitty stuff in my life but lately she’s making me really mad with things she’s saying. I’m sure there will be someone who reads this and goes running off to tell her or to tell my parents, so hello! Tell them I said hi while you’re at it. This is my platform, I can post what I want.

I’ve also realized some things about myself. I’ve always wanted a big wedding with everyone I know there. Nope. Nada. No. Not anymore. I don’t care if you’re my aunt, cousin, best friend, anything. If I don’t want you there you won’t be. No terry and I are not engaged. Heck idk when that will ever happen.

This blog has gotten so long and I normally feel better after typing it all out. But today I don’t. I don’t feel relaxed. I don’t feel better. I want to shove food in my face and I want to cry. I want to vomit, and I want to yell. I’m sick and tired of literally everything lately. Nothing is feeling good.

So there you go. You see my happy posts. My smiling face on social media. It’s all a facade. I’m so happy with Terry and forever will be thankful for that. That is about the only thing that is honest that I post. Him and dogs.

Honestly all I can feel are bad vibes from the blog. I feel people will tattle on my to my parents. Or they will shame me for saying things. But guess what guys?! I’m too depressed to even give a fuck!

No peace and love today because I don’t think people even know what that is anymore…

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