Where have I been…?

Here I sit it’s basically 5am on a Sunday. I don’t work again until Friday, and I’ve not gone to bed yet. Am I tired? Kind of. Do I want to sleep? I actually don’t really know. Do I feel like crap and hate myself? Oh most definitely.

Life has been a literal rollercoaster lately. This pst week I was supposed to have a surgery that would change my life. It would make most of not all things much easier for me. That day came and I was sick the whole day. Thoughts of hatred towards myself stayed in my head all day. Thoughts of you did this to yourself and now you have to wait until the end of the year to do anything. It’s made thinking about vacation in June horrible. It’s made thinking about putting anything on other than my baggy scrubs and loose shirts, yoga pants and big shirts anger me.

Why be vague? That’s what I’m out here to do.

November I will be having a breast reduction. The thing that was supposed to happen last week. Ever since I made the appointment in January they feel like they keep getting bigger, heck I know they do because pain. My back always catches, my shoulders are starting to catch as well. I can’t sleep comfortably without feeling like I’m choking or my skin pulling from them falling into my arm pits. It’s been so bad I can’t feel comfortable doing anything.

I tried on my bikini top from the past few years. It doesn’t really fit. Do you know how hard it is to find a top that fits an I cup? It’s ridiculous. I have to buy bigger sized shirts for my chest not my stomach, although at the rate my binge eating disorder seems to be taking over I’ll need them for my stomach too. I can’t exercise or even take a simple walk without being winded in the first 5 minutes because they are so heavy to carry around I feel like I’m carry 20 pounds on my chest.

I take my meds for my eating disorder and they’ve done nothing. I keep gaining and I keep eating. I feel disgusting. I look disgusting. I hate myself. It’s a cycle that just.never.stops. Working night shift does absolutely nothing to help me. I drink caffeine to stay awake and snack because why not. I sleep half the day then get up only to go back to bed in a few hours when I have days off. Work is extremely stressful at the moment so I eat because of that. There are things going on in my family life that make me angry and stressed so I eat more. Then I look at myself and see this huge ugly rounded blob and eat more because what else is there to do.

My back has a hump from my chest making me too heavy. My stomach’s rolls have rolls. I have enough fat on my back to probably make a miniature sized me. I don’t like myself. I worry I’m being judged. By random people on the street, my family, Terry’s family, Terry, my coworkers, I even worry my patients judge me.

I’m going to therapy but with work being hectic and not being able to get every week, it’s not done much. I’ve gone twice in the past 5 weeks and I haven’t even touched the surface. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. Be that my hating myself or because night shift life I don’t know.

I’ve been crying a lot more lately. At movies (I’ve seen Guardians of the galaxy 2 a crap ton of times and I bawled watching the end Friday night), at words, at myself, and just because.

I actually had a really good birthday two weeks ago. We got out of town for a few days and Terry and I got to recharge as a couple. Actually take that back it wasn’t really good.. my mom barely texted me happy birthday, it was like she was stating a fact to someone she didn’t even know, and I had to remind my dad.. my own sister who I don’t talk to regularly wished me a happy birthday on her own. I know I’m 28 who cares. I care. Birthdays are my day. The day I can fake that everyone loves me and gives me attention. The one day for me out of the whole year. But I didn’t really get that.

Dad’s temper has gotten bad since his relapse in October and everything that’s happened the past 6 months. He doesn’t have his vices anymore so he’s more angry. He yelled at me for wanting to show them the condo we stayed at because he was tired. So I got yelled at. On my birthday.

I have panic attacks most days before going to work because I’m scared I’m going to mess up. Yeah I say I’m thriving because I’m charge nurse already, but if you don’t know what a charge nurse does you would t understand, plus taking on a patient assignment on top of that. I absolutely love my job do not get that fact wrong. But being a baby nurse, charge nurse, and working on a psych floor at night when you’re the only floor nurse working with a float pool nurse is nerve wrecking.

I tried sticking the ups of the roller coaster in here but come to find out I didn’t have many.

I’m full of hate, anger, disgust. Not just in myself but of the whole human race. I don’t even want to speak to people anymore because all they have are opinions that they want to shove down your throat. Or tell you you’re wrong. People can’t keep quiet they always have to share why they think the other person is wrong. Damn people. What happened to being kind.

Hell I don’t even want to speak to some of my family because even they have started acting this way. Or they have such different views of myself that I’ve never noticed before that I really don’t want to speak to them. Don’t get me wrong their opinion is their opinion. More power to them but it’s just not what I want to associate myself with.

And you know what else? I’ve had it up to the moon with my grandma. She’s done some shitty stuff in my life but lately she’s making me really mad with things she’s saying. I’m sure there will be someone who reads this and goes running off to tell her or to tell my parents, so hello! Tell them I said hi while you’re at it. This is my platform, I can post what I want.

I’ve also realized some things about myself. I’ve always wanted a big wedding with everyone I know there. Nope. Nada. No. Not anymore. I don’t care if you’re my aunt, cousin, best friend, anything. If I don’t want you there you won’t be. No terry and I are not engaged. Heck idk when that will ever happen.

This blog has gotten so long and I normally feel better after typing it all out. But today I don’t. I don’t feel relaxed. I don’t feel better. I want to shove food in my face and I want to cry. I want to vomit, and I want to yell. I’m sick and tired of literally everything lately. Nothing is feeling good.

So there you go. You see my happy posts. My smiling face on social media. It’s all a facade. I’m so happy with Terry and forever will be thankful for that. That is about the only thing that is honest that I post. Him and dogs.

Honestly all I can feel are bad vibes from the blog. I feel people will tattle on my to my parents. Or they will shame me for saying things. But guess what guys?! I’m too depressed to even give a fuck!

No peace and love today because I don’t think people even know what that is anymore…

Therapy.. why is it always time for a cry.

Monday I had my first therapy session in about 2 years. I was nervous, scared, and really tired. I had just come off 3 night shifts and had slept maybe an hour before I left to go. When I tell you I wasn’t emotional going in there I’m not kidding, I was just tired. All she said to me was can you just tell me about yourself. All I got out was “I have a younger sister..” and I started crying like alligator tears. I felt ridiculous. Needless to say I spent the whole time in there crying, but it felt good. I went home and slept 7 hours 😂

I am so excited to go back next week and keep telling her about myself. I know this is what I needed and I’m glad I took that step. Next up is getting a psychiatrist. Funny story, my PCP gave me a referral to a Doctor I work with. 😂 sorry won’t be going to see them.

I’m just ready for more normalcy. I want to see Terry more. Spend more time with my family. Heck I haven’t actually spent more than a couple hours with Terry in about 9 days. Between working night shifts and being at my parents for almost a week we just haven’t seen each other. And I miss that. It’s literally a I’ll see you when I see you kind of thing.

Not much of an update for you this time but I’m hoping as the weeks go on I’ll have more.

Late night (early morning?) thoughts

I guess it’s time for an update friends. It’s been a busy few months yet not much has happened. I passed my NCLEX in February and officially became RN, BSN. I absolutely adore and love my job and what I get to do for a living now. I’m still going home and helping around the house with my dad and I’m trying to get use to strictly night shift life again. And that’s pretty much it. Okay byeee.

Wait did you think I was actually going to give you something good to read?

You right, I am. I hope, anyway.

Get this. I work in pediatric psych. I have my own psych issues. People all around me do as well. Yet it still feels like the psych world is still taboo. I share share share about all my stuff. I try to advocate. I try to educate.

Do you know how hard it is to have a successful night at work but you have no one to tell? No one to tell that you helped a kid process their coping skills, helped someone calm down from anxiety, had a kid tell you that seeing you was a high point in their night. I don’t do specifics but it’s nice to tell someone about my shift especially if I made a difference.

My dad and Terry are always my go to people but they aren’t comfortable with it. It feels to me like Terry is uncomfortable talking about situations like this but I know would listen and my dad has his own stuff that me hardly mentioning work makes him panic. I just want to share how much my job has changed me. How much it has taught me in 2 and a half months. It’s tough. Really tough.

So if you’re reading this go back up and read how my nights at work have been going on the positive side of things! I’ll share with you all! I have never felt so confident and comfortable in a job than I do now. I have never had a job where I’m excited to get up and go work it every shift. There are actually a lot of perks of working on a psych floor and having a mental illness yourself. You learn too! You get validation and coping skills. It’s always something new!

Yeah I’ve had a few bad shifts. Like any job it’s not going to be amazing every time, but I’ve already learned how to take those situations and turn them into learning experiences for myself and to grow my skills as a nurse. I learn how to become the stern nurse who has to put her foot down for the safety of my kids. The nurse who cracks a joke to get a kids mind off something troubling them. The nurse who gets squinted at and asks if I’m new because I dyed my hair and I looked different from the other night 😂.

Despite all these things coming from work though, I’ve been struggling. BAD. Be it my whacked out sleep schedule, trying to get my meds on a decent consistent schedule, feeling like I have no purpose now that all I’m doing is work, to feeling fat and disgusting, to not being able to breathe because it feels like my chest gets bigger every day. I’m on the never ending struggle bus. I spent 2 hours crying the other night stuffing my face. And then proceeded to feel like shit about myself and try to hide the evidence. I’ve become the non compliant med taker. And I hate myself for that. I get a high for the first few hours I’m awake where I self care and do my makeup and hair and dress cute and am super positive and a go getter, to a low like a flip of a switch where I wash all makeup off hair goes in a bun and I curl up and cry or sleep.

Guys my whole outlook for 2021 was self-care. I’ve half assed it so far. Two days of make up and hair, using new shampoo and face products and then being lazy and forgetting about it. A new tattoo. To saying I’m going to get a new hobby but just making it all talk. I’ve decided to try a counselor/therapist again. We will see how much it puts me back and you’ll see me back here later saying that didn’t work out. I can’t commit. Hell the only thing I’ve committed to the longest is Terry. And dogs. I’m finally doing something huge for myself too this year and I already pushed it back. To the end of the year. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Those that know me know I’ve been gifted in the chest a few times over, and come this November I’ll be reducing it a bit. I’m so ready for less back pain. Normal looking buttoned shirts. Normal.sized.bras. If not for the new job I would have been doing this in April. And that’s really thrown my down, because we have vacation in June and I was wanting to be able to enjoy that without all that extra baggage. But life happens.

You know what else happens? Friends come and go. We’re they really friends if they are no longer there though? For the past few weeks it’s literally been me and Terry. You look at my messages and literally anyone I text is mainly him, my mom, and our group chat with Terry’s family.

I got very disappointed with a friend a few weeks back and it’s been bugging me so bad. So bad that I feel like I really haven’t even celebrated passing the NCLEX. Feeling like it’s not real. See they sent me a screenshot of my license before I even got to look it up. I didn’t get to find out I passed myself. It was more a second hand thing. You all are probably thinking it shouldn’t matter you passed.

Wrong. I didn’t spend two years of my life dedicating myself to school work and almost ten years of my life doing jobs I didn’t like to not be the one to find out I passed. I had literally been checking the website every hour on the hour and was literally about to check it again and that happened. I’m still having a hard time processing it. I act fine and happy and excited “yay!” But I’m not. I wanted that suspense of it loading and seeing my name pop up with a license number. This has really been troubling me. Bad. I don’t hold grudges or I try not to. Maybe I’m just in a different season of life. Or maybe I’ve grown I don’t know but I’m just done.

I almost don’t want close friends other than Terry and my family. It almost seems like it would be easier to have people I talk to occasionally and hang out with but no one I share my deepest darkest secrets with. I don’t know. I feel like there are a few people at work who could be those people. But hey I’m too scared to ask if they want to hang out. 😂 I’m a legit fucked up mess I am.

Also if you have made it this far thank you. I know my punctuation sucks and I’ve been going on and on and on. And this probably seems like a mile long, but the words are just flowing out of me. Heck I never know if anyone ever reads these anyway. It shows people look at them, but who knows if they get something out of it or if they just laugh at my problems or open it only to close it.

My goal this year is to write at least once if not more a month. If I start therapy I’ll share about that journey. I’ll keep sharing about life updates. Heck I’ll talk about anything you want to hear about. Interact with me!

I guess I’ll end this here for now. Don’t forget to turn your clocks ahead tonight! (Saturday night)

Peace and love ✌🏻💕

Quick life update

Hi all, I hope I’m finding you with your new years off to a better start than 2020 was. I thought I would hop on here and give you all a little update of what has been happening the past couple of weeks here in January.

I started my new job the beginning of the month and just had the two weeks of online orientation here at home. This week was my first week in the hospital on the unit. I.ABSOLUTELY.LOVE.IT. Behavioral health is so where I’m supposed to be. I love the flow, I love the atmosphere, I love everything about it. I feel confident in my position. I’m doing literally everything I can. I’m charting, doing 1:1 assessments, pulling meds, giving meds, talking to doctors, talking to families and patients, I even did part of a discharge on my second day! Guys, I’m telling you I don’t know where all this came from. I LOVE MY JOB! On that flip side though, I still need to pass the NCLEX. I take that in about a month or so. I’m so nervous and scared I won’t pass. Doing and feeling so well at work, makes me fear not passing because I will have to stop orientation until I pass it. It sickens me to even think about it but there it is sitting in my head.

I’ve also realized a lot about myself, and learned from my patients already in two days. I see myself in some of them. I learn about how to control feelings and how to cope with different thoughts. I feel so at home on that unit it’s not even funny. I’m exhausted when I go home but I’m always ready to hop up and do it again. I was actually kind of sad that I had an online class today from home instead of coming in for a shift.

Then we have some not so good things happening already in the first few weeks of the year. About midweek of that first week of January, my dad was sent to the ER thinking he was having a stroke. Just by what mom was telling me I already had an idea of what it was and it was definitely not a stroke. The next day my prediction was proved correct. Dad has 4 new lesions on his brain, causing the left side of his face, his arm and hand to feel numb. We had a plan, but we should know by now that plans don’t work for us. He was supposed to get the Covid vaccine in February and start a new medication after both doses were complete. These new lesions had another plan and caused dad to have to start his new medication early, last week to be exact. This caused some horrible (okay mild but I’m his daughter so I’m going to exaggerate everything) side effects. Woke up with a 102 fever and chills. Luckily he was fine after that and he has even reported this week that he feels better than he has been. We shall see what tomorrow brings when he gets his second shot. I love my dad more than anything and I wish I could split myself in half to be with him and work because I feel guilty for not being there. We will get stronger and we will be walking again. You just watch.

Speaking of Covid shots, I receive my second one tomorrow. I’ve heard bad and good things about the second dose so I’m interested on what I will feel like come Friday night and Saturday. My first shot my arm was the only thing that hurt and I was a little extra tired but nothing major. Wish me luck.

Keep following me for updates on my, my dad, my family, and everything else in between. There’s a surgery in my near future so we will see how that plays out with my mental health.

Peace and love friends

Be aware of your words… ears are meant for hearing.

I hate that I’m sitting here writing this blog. I hate that I even had to be in this situation to begin with. The plus side of this instance is that it will better myself in career.

Yesterday I punched a wall. Literally. It was fine I went about my day. My anxiety and depression has been sky high the past few days. Well I come to my parents today and I’m trying to nap with the dog and my hand just is not having it. So swollen painful can’t move it. So off to the ER I go.

You know those questions they ask when you come in? Do you feel safe at home and do you feel like harming yourself or others? Well for the first time since any of my mental struggle I answered yes to harming myself. No, I didn’t want to kill myself and no I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t want to take pills I just wanted to hurt to feel better. I know how the medical field is when they hear those words though and she said you know I have to keep the door open which I did. That’s fine I don’t mind that part. Here’s the part that got me.

She walks out and tells a couple people that they need a certain room for a “suicidal”. Loud enough that someone walking the halls can hear, I can hear, someone coming to registration can hear. I hear another voice annoyed say are you serious? And something about I thought it was just a hand? Another voice that calls and says we need a sitter. All loud enough I can hear loud enough that I cry harder.

I knew one of those nurses. I know she went to the same school I did (disadvantages of a small town). They came in and said we will go to this room now. I sit in there and after the doctor comes to talk to me I guess it was determined that I wasn’t at risk of needing a sitter because no one showed up. But you know what showed up? Embarrassment, self hate, self loathing, annoyance.

I made sure they knew I was a nurse (well graduate nurse but still) that I was working with mental health and I know what the protocols are. I made sure they knew I was not happy with them. You got mmhmm and yups and no’s. You come and talk about me like it’s a burden behind my back, don’t expect me to open up. I just wanted a dang x-ray.

They teach us in school how to appropriately speak to patients in this situation and how to properly talk at the nurses station with something like this. I’ve been conscious of this from the get go before I even started school. I felt disrespected, judged, looked down upon, all because my mental status wasn’t good. Luckily all it was was bruised but it was just my hand leaving bruised, it was my ego, my heart, and more importantly the way I viewed myself.

Do you know what I’ve been doing since I got back to my parents? Eating quietly, sitting quietly, yet yelling at the dog because she keeps crying to sit in my lap. Yelling at my parents because they said something incorrect. Mumbling under my breath at something on T.V because they said the wrong thing. Holding back tears that I didn’t think were still in my body after the amount I’ve already cried.

Keep in mind people who are fighting battles you know nothing about. They have ears that are made for hearing. No peace and love tonight folks, just plain disappointment.

Home A? Or.. Home B? 🤷🏼‍♀️

Have you ever been torn between going home or going home? Confused? Let me explain. For the past month I’ve been going to my parents house or Home A a few days every week to help out my dad so mom can get work done. Meaning I’m here with Terry at Home B the few other days. I’ve been on leave so I normally stay two to three days and make it like a work schedule. Some weeks are easier to come to Home B than others.

I was quarantined at Home A for two weeks because mom had Covid and I had to take care of him, mom, and then the dog who got sick too. It felt like I was back in their house. I cuddled the dog and got to spend more time with my parents which I haven’t been able to do since nursing school started. By the end of those two weeks I missed Terry something terrible but I didn’t want to leave my dad. Eventually they told me to come home because they saw how stressed, mentally unstable, and tired I was.

Fast forward to now today and we face a similar problem. I was originally supposed to come to Home B tonight after staying yesterday and today with dad, but dad asked if I would stay until Wednesday to which I originally said yes. Here we were Tuesday afternoon and something just comes over me. I can’t breathe, all I want to do is cry and sleep and I feel like I’m all alone. We sit and eat dinner and I ask mom how long she would need me tomorrow and she said like an hour. Dad chimes in with but you can stay longer if you want. I just nodded and kept my face down at my plate. After dinner I had to run to my old bedroom to cry and lay down because I couldn’t stay up anymore.

Mind you I had an out of the blue panic attack on Sunday when Terry and I visited them and here I was having another. Mom comes in and asks what I want to do. And we decided together that it would be silly for me to stay because I’d be asleep the whole time she needed me and dad probably would too. Then I start crying again. Dad makes me feel guilty for leaving. I know he doesn’t mean to but he does.

I get everything packed and do everything I need to do before I go and when I go to hug dad he squeezes me and says I wish you could stay longer and visit more, I really miss you. Well if you know me you know I’m still a daddy’s girl at 27 years old and I took off bawling because I felt horrible. I cried most of my drive home and here I am crying in bed again trying to push this panic attack away.

Why are these things happening you ask? Good question. Part of me knows I want to be at Home B with Terry because I want to spend time with him and part of me wants to be in Home A because I don’t know how long I’ll have with my dad or what tomorrow brings. Yes I’m not far but that hour and a half one way gets to you. I feel like it’s my job to take care of my parents, and I feel like I have a duty to Terry too. I feel like I’m being pulled in two directions. The thing is, I don’t even know where I really want to be, I just know where I need to be.

I just wish Home A and B could be closer because I’m going to end up beating myself up for not being at one or the other when I need to be plus I start my graduate nurse position in the new year.

I honestly feel like scum of the earth right now leaving him tonight. I feel like scum when I leave Terry. I hate myself almost everyday for not being able to do more. And I know that’s not my job, but it’s how my brain works. It’s a funny thing “how my brain works”. It’s my reason for everything, why I’m panicking about a big crowd, why I’m crying at a home video, why I’m crying snuggling the dog. That’s just how it works.

So if you see me crying in the next few days or weeks this is probably why, so just distance hug me or send me a nice message. I like those, just you know I’ve been thinking about you type ones.

I hope you all have a happy holiday!

Peace and love

Go suck it multiple sclerosis..

Well guys, I wish I wasn’t typing this. Heck I wish it was never a think in my family. Dad’s multiple sclerosis relapsed or something again and we are now in the hospital unable to really do anything waist down. For those that don’t know MS is an autoimmune disease that attacks the myelin sheath in your nerves. We’ve been living with it in our family for probably over ten years now. And this is the worst it’s been.

Guys I’ve seen my dad in so many different moods highs and lows. We started plasma pheresis today and crossing our fingers that it does something. Statistics are it helps 3-4 out of 10 MS patients. Not the greatest odds but we are holding on to that hope.

This week I’ve been dealing with not sleeping, getting diagnosed with an eating disorder, my dad progressively getting worse, and trying to keep up with school and work. I woke up from a nap Sunday to missed calls from my mom and I automatically knew something was wrong.

I feel helpless, I feel beaten down. I just want my dad back. I don’t like seeing people cry but it’s another thing when it’s your dad crying because he’s worried what if this is my life now? Such an independent man turned dependent. It’s not pretty.

Because of covid, my mom and I are switching out staying with him during the day but we can’t stay the night with him. Neither one of us is sleeping at night, I’m always half awake waiting for the phone to ring, as I’m the first line to call since I’m closer. We feel defeated and beaten down.

We all cry daily and my mom even forgot it was her birthday this Thursday until she got a card from her brother and flowers from friends. We are so worried about my dad yet he is more worried about us half the time. Forever he will be who I look up to.

Guys, I just ask for prayers for my family, prayers, well wishes, anything at this point. As dad says he needs all he can get right now. I bless all my friends and family who have been here for us during all of this. It is so much appreciated.

Peace and love friends.

New job..

For those of you who know, I am in nursing school and will be graduating with my BSN in December. Some might not know that I just accepted a job on the pediatric behavioral health unit at the Children’s hospital here at home. This choice was something that came almost so easy to me. I say almost because of things that I have been through in my life.

During my interview I was asked what I thought I could bring to the unit. I was asked what my strengths are and to give all these positives about myself. This was literally the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Some how I got the words out though. I told them that I wanted to be the person that I didn’t have while growing up with my mental illnesses. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 20s and my family had never dealt with that kind of thing. I told them that I thought I could bring my personable self to the unit and to just help the patients anyway I could.

I guess those answers worked because I was offered the job and I start in January after I graduate. I am so excited to see where this new journey will take me. It is all I have ever wanted to do, help people. Mental health is obviously a huge part of my life and it is something that I hold close to my heart. The fact that I am going to be a pediatric psych nurse makes me excited, nervous, and happy! I wanted to share this with you all and I can’t wait to update you on my journey to becoming a baby nurse!!

Peace and love

You never saw it coming….

You always hear and see those posts where they talk about how mental illness isn’t real because you can’t see it or it’s not important because it’s not physical but you’ve got that all wrong. I never knew though it can go both ways…

Back story: my dad’s multiple sclerosis relapsed and progressed this past week, finding new lesions on his spine in three places. It’s affected him from the waist down and now needs a walker to do any movement. I went home for a couple days to help so my mom could go to work. When I tell you this has thrown my life upside down and backwards im not kidding and my dad and I have a closer and more special bond now than we ever had. Yeah, I cry randomly all the time now, I feel guilty for not being there more, I feel like it’s my job to take care of him. I’m protective of him and am super picky who is helping him. Over those couple of days though we had many conversations and cries together, I’m never looking at anything the same again.

We spent a lot of our time together talking about how his legs feel and how he really actually doesn’t feel them. How he’s been thinking about what if this is it. What if he can’t drive anymore or plant the garden. I brought up how my worst fear is him not being able to walk me down the isle or have our daddy daughter dance. Him knowing me we started talking about how people say they understand this is difficult for him. He voiced his concern that no people really don’t understand what it feels like unless they experience it and how yeah I tell him I understand and I sympathize with him but I don’t truely get it. I made the comment yeah but… and he cut me off saying I know you worry about me and I said well yes but that’s not what I was going to say. I told him how he’s right no one knows what’s it’s like unless you go through that but it’s the same with my mental illness. I said you telling me I don’t need my medication or that I’m actually fine to just stop worrying, is like the same when people tell him I know what you’re going through. This is when things got way too much for me to handle.

This man who I’ve looked up to my whole life who I was now taking care of looked at me and said, you know I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately and I know I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what it’s like for you. Then he started crying. Which made me cry so we stood crying together (I was holding him up so he didn’t fall.) As I’m helping him back to his chair he says you know all I want is good things for you and the best for you and I feel like I can’t help you with that. I worry about you.

All I could say was dad I’m fine, we need to worry about you through choked back tears. Guys, this man who just found out his debilitating illness has progressed and his life changed overnight is over here worrying about me and my mental health. When I say my jaw hit the floor it did.

I’ve been fighting my inner self for days now. Being needed for work, for school, for Terry, for my family, for Terry’s family, for my dad. I know there’s isn’t 5 of me but damn it I wish there was. I feel guilty for not being closer to home. I feel guilty I’m not here for Terry, I feel guilty I have to miss parts of class to care for my dad, I feel guilty I have to work and not be able to help at home. Dad told me not to inconvenience myself and worry about work and Terry and not him. I’m 27 and I never thought I’d be sitting here saying that it’s my job to care for my parent this young. He spent 20 some years caring for me and now it’s my turn.

My mental health has taken a huge drop while in nursing school. Every semester something has happened to family mine or Terry’s. 2 months and I’m done and that’s one of the reasons I’ll be glad to be done. My family needs a break. We need time to process everything that’s happened in the past 20 months. I need more family time.

Ellie has no idea what’s going on. She’s so confused why dad can’t get on the floor and play or why he can’t just go outside all the time now. Or why he has this scary looking thing when he walks. Why she can’t sit with him for hours on end because he needs to continuously reposition himself. She sits and stares at him nonstop. She stares at us when we help him. 5 years that dog has been his best friend and they’ve been inseparable. Ellie misses her best friend the way he used to be… well Ellie I miss him too.

Life isn’t fair. It never will be. You pick yourself up and you keep going. Praying that one day something will happen and make it good again. Dads been pleading for good news from anyone he sees and has been getting angry when someone says bad news. He wants happy in his life and I can’t blame him. I would too if I woke up one morning and couldn’t walk. Remember it doesn’t matter if you see it or don’t, you don’t really know what someone is going through unless you’ve been there yourself. Be understanding and patient. Love them. Pray for them. Help them how they need it.

Peace and love my friends.. ✌🏻💕

Hello old friend…

Hi guys and welcome back to the crap show that is my life. You’d think with graduation coming up and things finally starting to work out I’d be happy and great right? Well not entirely.

I’m oh so happy I’m graduating soon I really am. But I can’t be happy 24/7 especially when I don’t feel like it. I’ve been away from my blog here, working out, doing anything productive besides school, and literally feeling like crap.

I’m 27, drama should be a thing of the past. Yet here it is finding me when I don’t want it. Feeling beaten down at work when all I do is say hi, to being told who I’m supposed to be friends with and who I’m not supposed to be friends with. Being told I can’t make my own decisions. Seriously though! Get over yourself! I’m an adult and last I checked these people say they are too. I’ve grown. But I still have that nagging thought that I’m not good enough that I just shouldn’t be here.

I have my good days and bad days, thankfully I have Terry there for both. Guys when I say I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him I’m telling the whole truth. He has saved me from the evils of my life and I’ll forever be blessed. I would not have made it through nursing school without him by my side!!

I know, none of this makes a lick of sense. Nothing flows together. It’s literally just a bunch of thoughts you read it great you don’t okay too. I’m out here trying to promote and advocate for mental health and educate and be here for those who need anything!