Have you ever just woke up one day and was afraid of yourself? Your brain, your thoughts, every single breath? Do you know how scary it is to have a mini panic attack every time you take a breath? You have one single thought and you start to sweat and your heart starts to race just because you thought about plans for the night or what I’m doing the next day. Crying randomly because of a tv show or reading something that upsets you. Just being scared to breathe.
I feel like my anxiety is pushing through everything I’m trying to accomplish. I can’t focus in school, I can’t focus on daily household activities. I just want to sleep, cuddle a dog, be normal. My chest literally hurts to breathe. Every thought circles to death how scared I am of it. My grades are suffering, my life. That fake smile is coming back no matter if I took my meds or not. I hate this side of my life and it feels like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into nothingness.
It’s so hard to put into words how I’m feeling to those who love me, who care and want to help. It all comes out as I’m just upset or it’s not a good day. So here it is my loving friends and family. I’ve sunk. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m failing myself my family and Terry. I don’t want to finish school. I just want it to be over with. The stress the drama everything. I’m too old for high school crap and I feel that’s what I live everyday. Flashbacks PTSD bad dreams. Feeling like vomiting every single second of every single day…
So many things have happened in 2020 and it’s only June. Lives have been turned upside down, a pandemic has controlled our lives, and now we have riots because this world lives with racism. It’s sickly. It’s wrong. It’s not right.
I grew up in a mainly white town, but by God I treated everyone the same no matter the color of their skin or where they came from. There are too many stereotypes that people keep following that don’t belong there. We have children afraid to go play outside, parents who are afraid for their lives and their children’s. Is that really living? It’s that fair?
No it’s not, and guess who gets the brunt of that, African Americans. They don’t deserve that. I will never know what it feels like to be treated like they do, how people talk to them and react to them. I don’t understand when it is like to be a minority, to be treated unfairly because of my skin color. But I do understand that they don’t deserve all that’s been happening not only in the past few weeks but years and years ago.
The innocent lives take because they could have done this or looked like that. It needs to stop or this world will fall apart. Everyone deserves respect. But hear me now. Not all cops are bad and not all black people are bad. You’ll have bad and good in any group of people you come across, no matter the profession or skin color. It shouldn’t matter. Those things do not dictate if you are good or bad. The person themself determines that.
I pray and worry for all my loved ones family and friends. I worry about this world. And I worry about my patients at work and those fearing for their life. Not knowing what even the next minute will bring to them. Everyone pray. Think before you take an action. Don’t overreact before you know the whole story. And for God’s sake if you see someone in medical need help them! Especially if you swore to do so.
I’ll probably make some people mad and some people won’t care. But I know there are those people out there who will read this and understand and pray and think.
Stay safe my friends. Be kind. #blacklivesmatter
Ever since this whole virus thing started and we have been on lockdown, I’ve gone to work and home and occasionally to the store for food. Always wearing my mask and the like. I work in a Children’s hospital where kids don’t know how to cough properly or cling to you with snot and drool falling off their face in clumps. I’m always at a risk. Always.
I haven’t seen my parents since January the beginning of January. I’ve gone about 4 months or so without seeing them, hugging them, being with them in person. Four months of not seeing ellie, playing with her, cuddling her, nothing. It’s normal for me not to see my family very often because of school and work, but with school at home and only working twice a week it’s getting tough.
I had planned on going home last weekend to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I had texted her to let her know earlier in the week. I video chatted with my parents a day later and was told because I work in the hospital they didn’t feel comfortable with me coming over. Which I get because my dad’s MS and he is immunocompromised. It hurt like I was being stabbed but I knew it was best for my dad.
My mental health has been declining a lot lately and I’m just not me. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep and when I do sleep it’s tossing and turning. I’m home every day for school and when it’s not that it’s work. I just don’t fill fulfilled now. Not even my workouts help. They do in the moment but not for long. I’m sitting up right now when I should be sleeping because I have class early tomorrow. But here I sit and just got off the phone with dad.
He’s my go to person when I need someone to talk to because his la de da attitude and voice just make me feel calm. He’s not a man of many words. I was starting to feel better but waterworks were coming because I just want to be there. So I asked, when can I come visit? He said well I don’t know maybe when you have been home and no where else for two weeks to make sure you don’t have it. My heart literally sank. I have to work two days a week. I don’t have PTO to use for that. God knows when I’ll get to see them again. It’s been so hard for me these past few months. I feel isolated. I feel distraught and I feel hopeless.
To close please check on your loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses. Being at home all the time can definitely take a tole on them during this pandemic. Make sure they are okay. Video call them, call them, drive by and talk through a window. Be there for them.
Goodnight my friends I hope sleep finds you well. Maybe I’ll see you there.
Peace and love 💕
Here we are day something of this stay at home order. Days are mashing up into one another. Not seeing family or friends. Being home by myself almost every day. Working twice a week and scared to go in because of the virus.
All I do is sit here and think. Think of everything bad. Think about how I miss my parents more than ever. My mental health has taken a huge tank during this time. My meds don’t help. I can’t sleep despite my sleeping pill. It’s torture.
I had a coworker tell me the other night she understands now what people with mental illnesses go through. She said she’s been home sitting in her thoughts too and couldn’t imagine doing this daily. It was nice to hear someone understood for once.
I didn’t come on to write today to show something or tell a story or anything like that it was just an update and to get words out of my head. Stay strong everyone! We’ve got this!!
I need sleep. All.the.time. When I say I could sleep for days straight I’m not lying. I used to be that person who when my head hit the pillow I was out. It took me nothing to fall asleep. I don’t know when or what changed but one day all of a sudden it took my hours to fall asleep.
My anxiety started crawling higher and higher causing me to worry about the tiniest to the biggest things from what I would wear to school the next day to what if my dad died overnight. Yes, I was that kid.
My dad was still traveling and working so there were weeks where he was out of town and I think that might be where it started. When he was home I would have to wait until I heard the tv go off the lights go out and to hear him go to bed before I could even think about settling in for the night. My fear of my dad dying overtook my entire brain. I don’t know why or what caused it but that’s how it was.
I ended up getting put on sleeping pills when I was diagnosed with MDD and anxiety disorder. They helped but those fears were still there. It’s been years now and I still will fight sleep fight my sleeping pill. I’ve now since switched to Zyprexa in place of my trazodone and I fall asleep quicker than usual. I now worry about something horrible happening with Terry and my dad still. I fight daily with my sleep and my fears and no matter the medication I wake up in a sweat or have horrible nightmares where I wake up in a panic. But I take it day by day and I’m hoping something positive comes out of it.
Guys it’s been 5 days since I started this new medicine and let me tell you it’s thrown me for a loop. I’ve been exhausted, jittery, sick to my stomach, numb, and everything in between.
I’ve been fighting sleep, doing things in my sleep I don’t realize like moving my phone and gently sitting it on the table, turning music off and talking to our google home. I literally get out of it mentally.
I used to fall asleep just by hitting the pillow now it takes medicine and almost being up for 24 hours to make me really comfortable going to sleep. I’m hoping changing my medicine helps with the issues I’m having but interested to see if cognitive behavioral therapy would do anything.
Just kind of wanted to word vomit again and give you guys an update to how things have gone since I started this med. it’s hard to gage how much you guys really do read or if you even like my blogs.
But if you do be on the look out for more of my sleep problems.
Love you fam!
Hey guys! So I went to a new primary care physician yesterday, and was nervous out of my mind. I don’t do well with change or new doctors. I was definitely surprised when he turned out to be a super understanding mice guy!
On the slip side I talked to him about everything going on and mentioned maybe bipolar could be an option. So here I am bawling my eyes out with fear of a new diagnosis possibility, with so much emotion wondering what would happen next.
He took away a small portion of one of my meds, took one away completely, and added one to replace the one he took away. So get this. I can get orthostatic hypotension when I already have low BP, I can get any of the EPS symptoms, headaches which I get enough as it is.
I hope things work out and this med works. I want to see if this diagnosis of bipolar two with hypomania is real or if it’s just severe major depression. I want to know what will happen and how things will work out, but for now I’ll sit back and wait.
Peace and love friends.
Morning guys, new things are happening! In the past week I’ve committed myself to a workout program that has already pushed my limits, got a tattoo, and promised myself that I would not use filters on my pictures anymore.
Those don’t seem like big things but to me they are. I’m actually excited with this workout program. It’s exciting to workout and feel that sweat. To feel better after every workout and to feel that burn of my muscles working again. I still feel crappy when I can’t get a move down or if I have to take a break. I still have issues with food and meal planning, but I’m trying. I signed up to be a coach and all I worry about now is that no one will want to sign up with me. That they will all just say no or no one reach out to me. So we shall see.
I got a larger tattoo on my forearm that I never thought I’d do. I’m still getting used to it being there when all my other ones are small and not too noticeable. But I like it. And it’s still mental health related. They always will be.
As for no more filters. I’ve always been open and honest about everything. What’s the point of not. I’m just now adding my pictures in with it. No more hiding what I really look like with filters and coverups. It will be something new as I am always wondering what everyone will think, how many likes I’ll get, if someone will have bad comments about it. Guess what? Those things don’t matter, granted my brain will always tell me they do, but the logical side of me will know the truth.
Personally it’s hard logically knowing that there is no reason to be anxious, to be depressed. But my brain chemicals think otherwise. It’s hard to tell my brain to think logically when I’m mid panic attack or major depression episode. It’s hard. Very hard, but I’m working on myself.
If you’re interested go follow my Instagram @ashleyfauke for my fitness journey and all my stories I share there!
Peace and love friends
You know, I’ve never been one to say that days are “the worst day ever” and I’m still not. But I literally feel like scum. Like dirt.
I’m done guys. Done. I started my workout program which I will be honest was hard and discouraging to my mind. I’m a failure. That’s what my mind tells me. I’m tired of being compared to certain people all the time. I’m tired of a lot. I’m just frustrated with how things are going every day. No matter the exercise no matter the happy things in my life it literally just doesn’t bring happiness. It’s hard and difficult.
Do you ever feel like people are trying to one up you? Trying to be the best person and making you feel like shit? Yeah I’ve got that person. It’s great. Not. It literally makes me feel like I don’t matter and I’m always being judged. Terry doesn’t understand and gets frustrated anytime I mention it. But I literally feel worthless anytime something happens.
I just I’m rambling and making no sense probably. It’s my feelings at this moment. I just want spring break here so I can sleep. Like I literally only want to sleep.
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Do you ever get those days where you wake up feeling like a shell of a body with nothing in it? Yeah neither do I. Actually, I wake up like this most days.
I went to clinical this morning and just taking care of my patients made my day better, seeing my blog be featured on mentalhealthathome.org. That was an amazing feeling. For those brief moments I felt wonderful. My patients were thankful I helped them today and I had people telling me they were proud of how brave I was to share my story.
Then that nothing feeling set in. It’s like you see or hear something and it just ruins your day. That happens a lot. I felt like I was moving through motions. I had faked laughed with my friends and faked smiles almost all day. I fooled them because you would never guess I was faking.
I shared with my parents about my blog being featured today and I got an ok and a why do you have to share your private stuff with the world. Now guys that hurt. I basically told my mom I’ll only call when I have bland news for them. Today I broke though. I needed my dad. I called him on my way home from clinical. Mind you I do this literally almost every day be it going home from school going or coming home from work. Literally every day. Dad acted like nothing had happened and I didn’t hang up on him the other night out of frustration. We had our conversations. Told him about my day him asking what things meant because he doesn’t speak medical talk. Me asking how the pup was doing because I miss her about as much as I miss my dad. He told me about something I should look up which is a daily thing. Dad made me feel again guys.
Granted this feel again was sadness because I missed him and wished I was closer. Sadness for not having enough time for anything not school or work related. Sadness that I just feel like a failure all the time. But then dad said he loved me first which I normally beat him to it. I had a burst of love shot into my heart as we said goodbye. You bet your butt I sang my heart out loud and proud the rest of the way home.
It’s crazy how a phone call, a talk with someone can change your entire day. The fact I spent most of my day actually wanting to crawl into a hole and die and flipping it to love all because of a conversation with my dad. Yeah I’m a daddy’s girl and I’m okay with that. I shared about my weight loss adventure I’m getting ready to start and he was very interested, even though he asked me like 5 times who Nicole was (my cousin on his side 🤦🏼♀️)
I know this blog makes no sense. But my brain doesn’t make sense half the time and I go with it’s flow instead of trying to co trip it. Have a wonderful evening my friends and remember if you need an ear or should or anything I’m always here.
Peace and love ✌🏻💕