Go suck it multiple sclerosis..

Well guys, I wish I wasn’t typing this. Heck I wish it was never a think in my family. Dad’s multiple sclerosis relapsed or something again and we are now in the hospital unable to really do anything waist down. For those that don’t know MS is an autoimmune disease that attacks the myelin sheath in your nerves. We’ve been living with it in our family for probably over ten years now. And this is the worst it’s been.

Guys I’ve seen my dad in so many different moods highs and lows. We started plasma pheresis today and crossing our fingers that it does something. Statistics are it helps 3-4 out of 10 MS patients. Not the greatest odds but we are holding on to that hope.

This week I’ve been dealing with not sleeping, getting diagnosed with an eating disorder, my dad progressively getting worse, and trying to keep up with school and work. I woke up from a nap Sunday to missed calls from my mom and I automatically knew something was wrong.

I feel helpless, I feel beaten down. I just want my dad back. I don’t like seeing people cry but it’s another thing when it’s your dad crying because he’s worried what if this is my life now? Such an independent man turned dependent. It’s not pretty.

Because of covid, my mom and I are switching out staying with him during the day but we can’t stay the night with him. Neither one of us is sleeping at night, I’m always half awake waiting for the phone to ring, as I’m the first line to call since I’m closer. We feel defeated and beaten down.

We all cry daily and my mom even forgot it was her birthday this Thursday until she got a card from her brother and flowers from friends. We are so worried about my dad yet he is more worried about us half the time. Forever he will be who I look up to.

Guys, I just ask for prayers for my family, prayers, well wishes, anything at this point. As dad says he needs all he can get right now. I bless all my friends and family who have been here for us during all of this. It is so much appreciated.

Peace and love friends.

New job..

For those of you who know, I am in nursing school and will be graduating with my BSN in December. Some might not know that I just accepted a job on the pediatric behavioral health unit at the Children’s hospital here at home. This choice was something that came almost so easy to me. I say almost because of things that I have been through in my life.

During my interview I was asked what I thought I could bring to the unit. I was asked what my strengths are and to give all these positives about myself. This was literally the hardest thing I’ve had to do. Some how I got the words out though. I told them that I wanted to be the person that I didn’t have while growing up with my mental illnesses. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was in my 20s and my family had never dealt with that kind of thing. I told them that I thought I could bring my personable self to the unit and to just help the patients anyway I could.

I guess those answers worked because I was offered the job and I start in January after I graduate. I am so excited to see where this new journey will take me. It is all I have ever wanted to do, help people. Mental health is obviously a huge part of my life and it is something that I hold close to my heart. The fact that I am going to be a pediatric psych nurse makes me excited, nervous, and happy! I wanted to share this with you all and I can’t wait to update you on my journey to becoming a baby nurse!!

Peace and love

You never saw it coming….

You always hear and see those posts where they talk about how mental illness isn’t real because you can’t see it or it’s not important because it’s not physical but you’ve got that all wrong. I never knew though it can go both ways…

Back story: my dad’s multiple sclerosis relapsed and progressed this past week, finding new lesions on his spine in three places. It’s affected him from the waist down and now needs a walker to do any movement. I went home for a couple days to help so my mom could go to work. When I tell you this has thrown my life upside down and backwards im not kidding and my dad and I have a closer and more special bond now than we ever had. Yeah, I cry randomly all the time now, I feel guilty for not being there more, I feel like it’s my job to take care of him. I’m protective of him and am super picky who is helping him. Over those couple of days though we had many conversations and cries together, I’m never looking at anything the same again.

We spent a lot of our time together talking about how his legs feel and how he really actually doesn’t feel them. How he’s been thinking about what if this is it. What if he can’t drive anymore or plant the garden. I brought up how my worst fear is him not being able to walk me down the isle or have our daddy daughter dance. Him knowing me we started talking about how people say they understand this is difficult for him. He voiced his concern that no people really don’t understand what it feels like unless they experience it and how yeah I tell him I understand and I sympathize with him but I don’t truely get it. I made the comment yeah but… and he cut me off saying I know you worry about me and I said well yes but that’s not what I was going to say. I told him how he’s right no one knows what’s it’s like unless you go through that but it’s the same with my mental illness. I said you telling me I don’t need my medication or that I’m actually fine to just stop worrying, is like the same when people tell him I know what you’re going through. This is when things got way too much for me to handle.

This man who I’ve looked up to my whole life who I was now taking care of looked at me and said, you know I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately and I know I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what it’s like for you. Then he started crying. Which made me cry so we stood crying together (I was holding him up so he didn’t fall.) As I’m helping him back to his chair he says you know all I want is good things for you and the best for you and I feel like I can’t help you with that. I worry about you.

All I could say was dad I’m fine, we need to worry about you through choked back tears. Guys, this man who just found out his debilitating illness has progressed and his life changed overnight is over here worrying about me and my mental health. When I say my jaw hit the floor it did.

I’ve been fighting my inner self for days now. Being needed for work, for school, for Terry, for my family, for Terry’s family, for my dad. I know there’s isn’t 5 of me but damn it I wish there was. I feel guilty for not being closer to home. I feel guilty I’m not here for Terry, I feel guilty I have to miss parts of class to care for my dad, I feel guilty I have to work and not be able to help at home. Dad told me not to inconvenience myself and worry about work and Terry and not him. I’m 27 and I never thought I’d be sitting here saying that it’s my job to care for my parent this young. He spent 20 some years caring for me and now it’s my turn.

My mental health has taken a huge drop while in nursing school. Every semester something has happened to family mine or Terry’s. 2 months and I’m done and that’s one of the reasons I’ll be glad to be done. My family needs a break. We need time to process everything that’s happened in the past 20 months. I need more family time.

Ellie has no idea what’s going on. She’s so confused why dad can’t get on the floor and play or why he can’t just go outside all the time now. Or why he has this scary looking thing when he walks. Why she can’t sit with him for hours on end because he needs to continuously reposition himself. She sits and stares at him nonstop. She stares at us when we help him. 5 years that dog has been his best friend and they’ve been inseparable. Ellie misses her best friend the way he used to be… well Ellie I miss him too.

Life isn’t fair. It never will be. You pick yourself up and you keep going. Praying that one day something will happen and make it good again. Dads been pleading for good news from anyone he sees and has been getting angry when someone says bad news. He wants happy in his life and I can’t blame him. I would too if I woke up one morning and couldn’t walk. Remember it doesn’t matter if you see it or don’t, you don’t really know what someone is going through unless you’ve been there yourself. Be understanding and patient. Love them. Pray for them. Help them how they need it.

Peace and love my friends.. ✌🏻💕

Hello old friend…

Hi guys and welcome back to the crap show that is my life. You’d think with graduation coming up and things finally starting to work out I’d be happy and great right? Well not entirely.

I’m oh so happy I’m graduating soon I really am. But I can’t be happy 24/7 especially when I don’t feel like it. I’ve been away from my blog here, working out, doing anything productive besides school, and literally feeling like crap.

I’m 27, drama should be a thing of the past. Yet here it is finding me when I don’t want it. Feeling beaten down at work when all I do is say hi, to being told who I’m supposed to be friends with and who I’m not supposed to be friends with. Being told I can’t make my own decisions. Seriously though! Get over yourself! I’m an adult and last I checked these people say they are too. I’ve grown. But I still have that nagging thought that I’m not good enough that I just shouldn’t be here.

I have my good days and bad days, thankfully I have Terry there for both. Guys when I say I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him I’m telling the whole truth. He has saved me from the evils of my life and I’ll forever be blessed. I would not have made it through nursing school without him by my side!!

I know, none of this makes a lick of sense. Nothing flows together. It’s literally just a bunch of thoughts you read it great you don’t okay too. I’m out here trying to promote and advocate for mental health and educate and be here for those who need anything!

I’m scared…. of myself?

Have you ever just woke up one day and was afraid of yourself? Your brain, your thoughts, every single breath? Do you know how scary it is to have a mini panic attack every time you take a breath? You have one single thought and you start to sweat and your heart starts to race just because you thought about plans for the night or what I’m doing the next day. Crying randomly because of a tv show or reading something that upsets you. Just being scared to breathe.

I feel like my anxiety is pushing through everything I’m trying to accomplish. I can’t focus in school, I can’t focus on daily household activities. I just want to sleep, cuddle a dog, be normal. My chest literally hurts to breathe. Every thought circles to death how scared I am of it. My grades are suffering, my life. That fake smile is coming back no matter if I took my meds or not. I hate this side of my life and it feels like I’m sinking deeper and deeper into nothingness.

It’s so hard to put into words how I’m feeling to those who love me, who care and want to help. It all comes out as I’m just upset or it’s not a good day. So here it is my loving friends and family. I’ve sunk. I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m failing myself my family and Terry. I don’t want to finish school. I just want it to be over with. The stress the drama everything. I’m too old for high school crap and I feel that’s what I live everyday. Flashbacks PTSD bad dreams. Feeling like vomiting every single second of every single day…

What world are we living in

So many things have happened in 2020 and it’s only June. Lives have been turned upside down, a pandemic has controlled our lives, and now we have riots because this world lives with racism. It’s sickly. It’s wrong. It’s not right.

I grew up in a mainly white town, but by God I treated everyone the same no matter the color of their skin or where they came from. There are too many stereotypes that people keep following that don’t belong there. We have children afraid to go play outside, parents who are afraid for their lives and their children’s. Is that really living? It’s that fair?

No it’s not, and guess who gets the brunt of that, African Americans. They don’t deserve that. I will never know what it feels like to be treated like they do, how people talk to them and react to them. I don’t understand when it is like to be a minority, to be treated unfairly because of my skin color. But I do understand that they don’t deserve all that’s been happening not only in the past few weeks but years and years ago.

The innocent lives take because they could have done this or looked like that. It needs to stop or this world will fall apart. Everyone deserves respect. But hear me now. Not all cops are bad and not all black people are bad. You’ll have bad and good in any group of people you come across, no matter the profession or skin color. It shouldn’t matter. Those things do not dictate if you are good or bad. The person themself determines that.

I pray and worry for all my loved ones family and friends. I worry about this world. And I worry about my patients at work and those fearing for their life. Not knowing what even the next minute will bring to them. Everyone pray. Think before you take an action. Don’t overreact before you know the whole story. And for God’s sake if you see someone in medical need help them! Especially if you swore to do so.

I’ll probably make some people mad and some people won’t care. But I know there are those people out there who will read this and understand and pray and think.

Stay safe my friends. Be kind. #blacklivesmatter

Coronavirus or the devil you decide..

Ever since this whole virus thing started and we have been on lockdown, I’ve gone to work and home and occasionally to the store for food. Always wearing my mask and the like. I work in a Children’s hospital where kids don’t know how to cough properly or cling to you with snot and drool falling off their face in clumps. I’m always at a risk. Always.

I haven’t seen my parents since January the beginning of January. I’ve gone about 4 months or so without seeing them, hugging them, being with them in person. Four months of not seeing ellie, playing with her, cuddling her, nothing. It’s normal for me not to see my family very often because of school and work, but with school at home and only working twice a week it’s getting tough.

I had planned on going home last weekend to see my mom for Mother’s Day. I had texted her to let her know earlier in the week. I video chatted with my parents a day later and was told because I work in the hospital they didn’t feel comfortable with me coming over. Which I get because my dad’s MS and he is immunocompromised. It hurt like I was being stabbed but I knew it was best for my dad.

My mental health has been declining a lot lately and I’m just not me. All I want to do is sleep but I can’t sleep and when I do sleep it’s tossing and turning. I’m home every day for school and when it’s not that it’s work. I just don’t fill fulfilled now. Not even my workouts help. They do in the moment but not for long. I’m sitting up right now when I should be sleeping because I have class early tomorrow. But here I sit and just got off the phone with dad.

He’s my go to person when I need someone to talk to because his la de da attitude and voice just make me feel calm. He’s not a man of many words. I was starting to feel better but waterworks were coming because I just want to be there. So I asked, when can I come visit? He said well I don’t know maybe when you have been home and no where else for two weeks to make sure you don’t have it. My heart literally sank. I have to work two days a week. I don’t have PTO to use for that. God knows when I’ll get to see them again. It’s been so hard for me these past few months. I feel isolated. I feel distraught and I feel hopeless.

To close please check on your loved ones who suffer from mental illnesses. Being at home all the time can definitely take a tole on them during this pandemic. Make sure they are okay. Video call them, call them, drive by and talk through a window. Be there for them.

Goodnight my friends I hope sleep finds you well. Maybe I’ll see you there.

Peace and love 💕

Quarantine

Here we are day something of this stay at home order. Days are mashing up into one another. Not seeing family or friends. Being home by myself almost every day. Working twice a week and scared to go in because of the virus.

All I do is sit here and think. Think of everything bad. Think about how I miss my parents more than ever. My mental health has taken a huge tank during this time. My meds don’t help. I can’t sleep despite my sleeping pill. It’s torture.

I had a coworker tell me the other night she understands now what people with mental illnesses go through. She said she’s been home sitting in her thoughts too and couldn’t imagine doing this daily. It was nice to hear someone understood for once.

I didn’t come on to write today to show something or tell a story or anything like that it was just an update and to get words out of my head. Stay strong everyone! We’ve got this!!

Sleep? Who needs sleep..?

I need sleep. All.the.time. When I say I could sleep for days straight I’m not lying. I used to be that person who when my head hit the pillow I was out. It took me nothing to fall asleep. I don’t know when or what changed but one day all of a sudden it took my hours to fall asleep.

My anxiety started crawling higher and higher causing me to worry about the tiniest to the biggest things from what I would wear to school the next day to what if my dad died overnight. Yes, I was that kid.

My dad was still traveling and working so there were weeks where he was out of town and I think that might be where it started. When he was home I would have to wait until I heard the tv go off the lights go out and to hear him go to bed before I could even think about settling in for the night. My fear of my dad dying overtook my entire brain. I don’t know why or what caused it but that’s how it was.

I ended up getting put on sleeping pills when I was diagnosed with MDD and anxiety disorder. They helped but those fears were still there. It’s been years now and I still will fight sleep fight my sleeping pill. I’ve now since switched to Zyprexa in place of my trazodone and I fall asleep quicker than usual. I now worry about something horrible happening with Terry and my dad still. I fight daily with my sleep and my fears and no matter the medication I wake up in a sweat or have horrible nightmares where I wake up in a panic. But I take it day by day and I’m hoping something positive comes out of it.

Adjusting

Guys it’s been 5 days since I started this new medicine and let me tell you it’s thrown me for a loop. I’ve been exhausted, jittery, sick to my stomach, numb, and everything in between.

I’ve been fighting sleep, doing things in my sleep I don’t realize like moving my phone and gently sitting it on the table, turning music off and talking to our google home. I literally get out of it mentally.

I used to fall asleep just by hitting the pillow now it takes medicine and almost being up for 24 hours to make me really comfortable going to sleep. I’m hoping changing my medicine helps with the issues I’m having but interested to see if cognitive behavioral therapy would do anything.

Just kind of wanted to word vomit again and give you guys an update to how things have gone since I started this med. it’s hard to gage how much you guys really do read or if you even like my blogs.

But if you do be on the look out for more of my sleep problems.

Love you fam!