Quarantine

Here we are day something of this stay at home order. Days are mashing up into one another. Not seeing family or friends. Being home by myself almost every day. Working twice a week and scared to go in because of the virus.

All I do is sit here and think. Think of everything bad. Think about how I miss my parents more than ever. My mental health has taken a huge tank during this time. My meds don’t help. I can’t sleep despite my sleeping pill. It’s torture.

I had a coworker tell me the other night she understands now what people with mental illnesses go through. She said she’s been home sitting in her thoughts too and couldn’t imagine doing this daily. It was nice to hear someone understood for once.

I didn’t come on to write today to show something or tell a story or anything like that it was just an update and to get words out of my head. Stay strong everyone! We’ve got this!!

Sleep? Who needs sleep..?

I need sleep. All.the.time. When I say I could sleep for days straight I’m not lying. I used to be that person who when my head hit the pillow I was out. It took me nothing to fall asleep. I don’t know when or what changed but one day all of a sudden it took my hours to fall asleep.

My anxiety started crawling higher and higher causing me to worry about the tiniest to the biggest things from what I would wear to school the next day to what if my dad died overnight. Yes, I was that kid.

My dad was still traveling and working so there were weeks where he was out of town and I think that might be where it started. When he was home I would have to wait until I heard the tv go off the lights go out and to hear him go to bed before I could even think about settling in for the night. My fear of my dad dying overtook my entire brain. I don’t know why or what caused it but that’s how it was.

I ended up getting put on sleeping pills when I was diagnosed with MDD and anxiety disorder. They helped but those fears were still there. It’s been years now and I still will fight sleep fight my sleeping pill. I’ve now since switched to Zyprexa in place of my trazodone and I fall asleep quicker than usual. I now worry about something horrible happening with Terry and my dad still. I fight daily with my sleep and my fears and no matter the medication I wake up in a sweat or have horrible nightmares where I wake up in a panic. But I take it day by day and I’m hoping something positive comes out of it.

Adjusting

Guys it’s been 5 days since I started this new medicine and let me tell you it’s thrown me for a loop. I’ve been exhausted, jittery, sick to my stomach, numb, and everything in between.

I’ve been fighting sleep, doing things in my sleep I don’t realize like moving my phone and gently sitting it on the table, turning music off and talking to our google home. I literally get out of it mentally.

I used to fall asleep just by hitting the pillow now it takes medicine and almost being up for 24 hours to make me really comfortable going to sleep. I’m hoping changing my medicine helps with the issues I’m having but interested to see if cognitive behavioral therapy would do anything.

Just kind of wanted to word vomit again and give you guys an update to how things have gone since I started this med. it’s hard to gage how much you guys really do read or if you even like my blogs.

But if you do be on the look out for more of my sleep problems.

Love you fam!

New diagnosis???

Hey guys! So I went to a new primary care physician yesterday, and was nervous out of my mind. I don’t do well with change or new doctors. I was definitely surprised when he turned out to be a super understanding mice guy!

On the slip side I talked to him about everything going on and mentioned maybe bipolar could be an option. So here I am bawling my eyes out with fear of a new diagnosis possibility, with so much emotion wondering what would happen next.

He took away a small portion of one of my meds, took one away completely, and added one to replace the one he took away. So get this. I can get orthostatic hypotension when I already have low BP, I can get any of the EPS symptoms, headaches which I get enough as it is.

I hope things work out and this med works. I want to see if this diagnosis of bipolar two with hypomania is real or if it’s just severe major depression. I want to know what will happen and how things will work out, but for now I’ll sit back and wait.

Peace and love friends.

New things

Morning guys, new things are happening! In the past week I’ve committed myself to a workout program that has already pushed my limits, got a tattoo, and promised myself that I would not use filters on my pictures anymore.

Those don’t seem like big things but to me they are. I’m actually excited with this workout program. It’s exciting to workout and feel that sweat. To feel better after every workout and to feel that burn of my muscles working again. I still feel crappy when I can’t get a move down or if I have to take a break. I still have issues with food and meal planning, but I’m trying. I signed up to be a coach and all I worry about now is that no one will want to sign up with me. That they will all just say no or no one reach out to me. So we shall see.

I got a larger tattoo on my forearm that I never thought I’d do. I’m still getting used to it being there when all my other ones are small and not too noticeable. But I like it. And it’s still mental health related. They always will be.

As for no more filters. I’ve always been open and honest about everything. What’s the point of not. I’m just now adding my pictures in with it. No more hiding what I really look like with filters and coverups. It will be something new as I am always wondering what everyone will think, how many likes I’ll get, if someone will have bad comments about it. Guess what? Those things don’t matter, granted my brain will always tell me they do, but the logical side of me will know the truth.

Personally it’s hard logically knowing that there is no reason to be anxious, to be depressed. But my brain chemicals think otherwise. It’s hard to tell my brain to think logically when I’m mid panic attack or major depression episode. It’s hard. Very hard, but I’m working on myself.

If you’re interested go follow my Instagram @ashleyfauke for my fitness journey and all my stories I share there!

Peace and love friends

When you could t feel worse…

You know, I’ve never been one to say that days are “the worst day ever” and I’m still not. But I literally feel like scum. Like dirt.

I’m done guys. Done. I started my workout program which I will be honest was hard and discouraging to my mind. I’m a failure. That’s what my mind tells me. I’m tired of being compared to certain people all the time. I’m tired of a lot. I’m just frustrated with how things are going every day. No matter the exercise no matter the happy things in my life it literally just doesn’t bring happiness. It’s hard and difficult.

Do you ever feel like people are trying to one up you? Trying to be the best person and making you feel like shit? Yeah I’ve got that person. It’s great. Not. It literally makes me feel like I don’t matter and I’m always being judged. Terry doesn’t understand and gets frustrated anytime I mention it. But I literally feel worthless anytime something happens.

I just I’m rambling and making no sense probably. It’s my feelings at this moment. I just want spring break here so I can sleep. Like I literally only want to sleep.

Today I feel…

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Do you ever get those days where you wake up feeling like a shell of a body with nothing in it? Yeah neither do I. Actually, I wake up like this most days.

I went to clinical this morning and just taking care of my patients made my day better, seeing my blog be featured on mentalhealthathome.org. That was an amazing feeling. For those brief moments I felt wonderful. My patients were thankful I helped them today and I had people telling me they were proud of how brave I was to share my story.

Then that nothing feeling set in. It’s like you see or hear something and it just ruins your day. That happens a lot. I felt like I was moving through motions. I had faked laughed with my friends and faked smiles almost all day. I fooled them because you would never guess I was faking.

I shared with my parents about my blog being featured today and I got an ok and a why do you have to share your private stuff with the world. Now guys that hurt. I basically told my mom I’ll only call when I have bland news for them. Today I broke though. I needed my dad. I called him on my way home from clinical. Mind you I do this literally almost every day be it going home from school going or coming home from work. Literally every day. Dad acted like nothing had happened and I didn’t hang up on him the other night out of frustration. We had our conversations. Told him about my day him asking what things meant because he doesn’t speak medical talk. Me asking how the pup was doing because I miss her about as much as I miss my dad. He told me about something I should look up which is a daily thing. Dad made me feel again guys.

Granted this feel again was sadness because I missed him and wished I was closer. Sadness for not having enough time for anything not school or work related. Sadness that I just feel like a failure all the time. But then dad said he loved me first which I normally beat him to it. I had a burst of love shot into my heart as we said goodbye. You bet your butt I sang my heart out loud and proud the rest of the way home.

It’s crazy how a phone call, a talk with someone can change your entire day. The fact I spent most of my day actually wanting to crawl into a hole and die and flipping it to love all because of a conversation with my dad. Yeah I’m a daddy’s girl and I’m okay with that. I shared about my weight loss adventure I’m getting ready to start and he was very interested, even though he asked me like 5 times who Nicole was (my cousin on his side 🤦🏼‍♀️)

I know this blog makes no sense. But my brain doesn’t make sense half the time and I go with it’s flow instead of trying to co trip it. Have a wonderful evening my friends and remember if you need an ear or should or anything I’m always here.

Peace and love ✌🏻💕

Who knows where this will go… life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows…

I have no inspiration no story no nothing to go with this blog. I just need to write and put my shitty feelings out there. I need to feel better and word vomit all over this blog. I have no advice. Nothing that’s probably worth reading, yet here I am typing away. I don’t know if anyone really reads these blogs or even values what I type in them. Honestly I wonder some days if people even value who I am. What I stand for and what I believe in. I wonder why I always feel like throwing up and why I’m crying all the time now. Why I absolutely love my boyfriend but I’m just so stressed and busy the littlest things piss me off. Why I’m here why I’m still breathing. Why I care so much about the people I love and why they don’t seem to care or believe that I care so much about them. I know for damn sure this isn’t a pitty post. And it’s not for you to tell me everything will be okay, because it won’t. Not right now. I honestly don’t know if it ever will be. I wonder why I feel like I need to be locked away and away from people and I wonder how I’m going to be able to take care of people when I can hardly take care of myself most days. Why I let little things cause me panic and anxiety, and why I’m always being compared to literally everyone. Why people can’t understand that mental illness doesn’t just go away like the flu or a cold and why people can’t take no for an answer. Why all of a sudden my PTSD is making my life hell and why I can’t stand being touched anymore when I love hugs. Why I feel worthless and why nothing seems to be right anymore. Why it literally feels like my world is falling apart as I type. Why I just really want to take it out on a punching bag nine times out of ten and why all I can think about it cutting myself.

This is getting deeper and darker as I type and I apologize for anyone who actually reads this.

Too broke for a tattoo so cutting is where my mind goes for pain release. How I feel like just staying at my psych clinical and admitting myself for some kind of evaluation because I don’t know what life is anymore. How I don’t feel loved or wanted really anywhere I go. And how I feel everyone is talking about me everywhere and every time I hear whispers.

Then I’m sitting here wanting to help everyone. My friends my family my patients my clinical patients. How I want to stand up for those who can’t open up and tell their story to those who have been through what I have or worse. I just want to help.

But how does that work? Wanting to cut myself and then wanting to help anyone and everyone? it makes no sense. I make no sense. I’m not reaching out I’m not asking for help. I’m sitting here. Typing my feelings out for the world to see. To understand how ridiculous my brain gets when I have an episode. When I have a meltdown. When I feel the lowest of the low. Life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. I’m still learning that and realizing that it won’t ever be.

So here’s to you. If you made it through this blog. If you even opened it and just scrolled to the bottom. Welcome to my brain at this very moment.

You can choose to be happy…

For all my mental illness people out there, especially my depression friends. Have you ever been told, “You can just choose to be happy. It’s easy.”? I have many times. Guess what? You can’t, not with a mental illness anyway.

I still remember when I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder I was still in OTA school. My friend since grade school had recently killed herself and I was still trying to figure my life out. We were doing our psych class and our teacher said if us or anyone we knew with a disorder would want to come share that would be great. Well me being me I guess I started from the very beginning to be open about everything.

I opened up to my class about it all. My suicide thoughts and half attempts. My notes I had, the feelings I felt and didn’t feel. How difficult it was for me to tell my dad, the man who raised me the past 20 years that I wanted to kill myself and I wanted to go to the doctor. How he cried when I was telling the doctor how horrible life was for me. How he stood by my side even if he didn’t fully understand yet what was happening to me, all the medicine changes already in the short time I was diagnosed. I told it all.

After this we watched a video of someone who had depression and how he wasn’t happy you know those basic educational videos on that stuff. After I had just said my story and we watched this video, a classmate went and said “They can just choose to be happy. That’s easy.”. Welp, you can bet my ass was answering that comment before anyone had the chance. I turned around looked her in the face and flat out said, “if I could choose to be happy I would in a heart beat. It’s not easy to wake and yourself, self you’re going to be happy today.” It doesn’t work that way.

Looking back now I realize that comment was made probably out of being uneducated in the topic or being naive. Either way it wasn’t cool and it shouldn’t have been said. If your friend or loved one is suffering from depression please I beg you don’t tell them they can choose to be happy. Yeah they can smile and laugh but 9 times out of 10 they are probably faking it. I’ve gotten very good at it the past 6 and a half years.

Get educated and be proactive!!

Peace and love my people!

The real life

Imagine, you deal with your mental illness daily, taking medicines, going to the doctor, everything you normally do. Boom, you start nursing school. You go on about your days the way you always have with maybe just a little more stress in your life nothing major out of the ordinary. You sail through first term and second term and everything is fine. Third term is here and you know your are taking psych and have a psych clinical! You are ecstatic because you love all things mental health and can’t wait to learn more. You couldn’t be more wrong

You’re in the first day of your semester, psych clinical day! You are all prepared for this and can’t wait to see what is in store. You have your favorite clinical instructor from last term and have heard good things about your facility. Pre-conference goes well and now it is time to tour the facility. You see how things are kept and how secluded the patients are, thinking to yourself I could have been here, I could have ended up in a place like this if I didn’t get help. Everything fascinates you and you can’t wait to start talking to people and participating in things.

Post conference doesn’t go as well at pre-conference. You start talking about self harm and low and behold you speak up about your cutting episodes and how you understand how you don’t feel anything when you do it, how when you get tattoos it feels wonderful, how all that pain is like taking the emotional pain out of your body. You then tense up and fold into your shell, thinking your classmates and instructor are thinking bad things about you now.

An hour and a half lunch break and you’re free for a little bit. Call dad on the way home to eat lunch and talk about what happened that morning. He makes me feel better and tells me its okay and it will get better. Come home to the boyfriend and you feel safe.

Now, back at school it’s simulation time. You watch the interaction example of what you are supposed to do. The person who is the patient is so believable and the story line is similar to things you have experienced and feelings start to flood your brain. Next thing you know you are crying thinking back to the days you wanted to die, you felt worthless and wanted to kill yourself. It is now time to split into the clinical groups again. You walk out crying telling the instructor you can’t do this, you need to sit out this first round, you can barely get words out and just keep crying. By the second go around you feel more comfortable and ask to do the next round alone.

It actually goes wonderful. You picture yourself sitting in the patient’s seat and talk to the patient like you would want someone to talk to you if you came into the clinic feeling this way. It made things so much easier and it flowed so well. You have never felt more relaxed in your life. By the end of the day you are exhausted and feel like you’ve had the wind knocked out of you but you made it. One day down a few more weeks to go until the next clinical starts.

Guys, yesterday was so hard for me. So many emotions filled my head and I felt defeated, but you know what? I got back up and excelled. I didn’t let it get me down and make me fail the day. I know I’m stronger than I feel and hopefully as the weeks go by it gets a little easier.

Peace and love my people