Late night (early morning?) thoughts

I guess it’s time for an update friends. It’s been a busy few months yet not much has happened. I passed my NCLEX in February and officially became RN, BSN. I absolutely adore and love my job and what I get to do for a living now. I’m still going home and helping around the house with my dad and I’m trying to get use to strictly night shift life again. And that’s pretty much it. Okay byeee.

Wait did you think I was actually going to give you something good to read?

You right, I am. I hope, anyway.

Get this. I work in pediatric psych. I have my own psych issues. People all around me do as well. Yet it still feels like the psych world is still taboo. I share share share about all my stuff. I try to advocate. I try to educate.

Do you know how hard it is to have a successful night at work but you have no one to tell? No one to tell that you helped a kid process their coping skills, helped someone calm down from anxiety, had a kid tell you that seeing you was a high point in their night. I don’t do specifics but it’s nice to tell someone about my shift especially if I made a difference.

My dad and Terry are always my go to people but they aren’t comfortable with it. It feels to me like Terry is uncomfortable talking about situations like this but I know would listen and my dad has his own stuff that me hardly mentioning work makes him panic. I just want to share how much my job has changed me. How much it has taught me in 2 and a half months. It’s tough. Really tough.

So if you’re reading this go back up and read how my nights at work have been going on the positive side of things! I’ll share with you all! I have never felt so confident and comfortable in a job than I do now. I have never had a job where I’m excited to get up and go work it every shift. There are actually a lot of perks of working on a psych floor and having a mental illness yourself. You learn too! You get validation and coping skills. It’s always something new!

Yeah I’ve had a few bad shifts. Like any job it’s not going to be amazing every time, but I’ve already learned how to take those situations and turn them into learning experiences for myself and to grow my skills as a nurse. I learn how to become the stern nurse who has to put her foot down for the safety of my kids. The nurse who cracks a joke to get a kids mind off something troubling them. The nurse who gets squinted at and asks if I’m new because I dyed my hair and I looked different from the other night 😂.

Despite all these things coming from work though, I’ve been struggling. BAD. Be it my whacked out sleep schedule, trying to get my meds on a decent consistent schedule, feeling like I have no purpose now that all I’m doing is work, to feeling fat and disgusting, to not being able to breathe because it feels like my chest gets bigger every day. I’m on the never ending struggle bus. I spent 2 hours crying the other night stuffing my face. And then proceeded to feel like shit about myself and try to hide the evidence. I’ve become the non compliant med taker. And I hate myself for that. I get a high for the first few hours I’m awake where I self care and do my makeup and hair and dress cute and am super positive and a go getter, to a low like a flip of a switch where I wash all makeup off hair goes in a bun and I curl up and cry or sleep.

Guys my whole outlook for 2021 was self-care. I’ve half assed it so far. Two days of make up and hair, using new shampoo and face products and then being lazy and forgetting about it. A new tattoo. To saying I’m going to get a new hobby but just making it all talk. I’ve decided to try a counselor/therapist again. We will see how much it puts me back and you’ll see me back here later saying that didn’t work out. I can’t commit. Hell the only thing I’ve committed to the longest is Terry. And dogs. I’m finally doing something huge for myself too this year and I already pushed it back. To the end of the year. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Those that know me know I’ve been gifted in the chest a few times over, and come this November I’ll be reducing it a bit. I’m so ready for less back pain. Normal looking buttoned shirts. Normal.sized.bras. If not for the new job I would have been doing this in April. And that’s really thrown my down, because we have vacation in June and I was wanting to be able to enjoy that without all that extra baggage. But life happens.

You know what else happens? Friends come and go. We’re they really friends if they are no longer there though? For the past few weeks it’s literally been me and Terry. You look at my messages and literally anyone I text is mainly him, my mom, and our group chat with Terry’s family.

I got very disappointed with a friend a few weeks back and it’s been bugging me so bad. So bad that I feel like I really haven’t even celebrated passing the NCLEX. Feeling like it’s not real. See they sent me a screenshot of my license before I even got to look it up. I didn’t get to find out I passed myself. It was more a second hand thing. You all are probably thinking it shouldn’t matter you passed.

Wrong. I didn’t spend two years of my life dedicating myself to school work and almost ten years of my life doing jobs I didn’t like to not be the one to find out I passed. I had literally been checking the website every hour on the hour and was literally about to check it again and that happened. I’m still having a hard time processing it. I act fine and happy and excited “yay!” But I’m not. I wanted that suspense of it loading and seeing my name pop up with a license number. This has really been troubling me. Bad. I don’t hold grudges or I try not to. Maybe I’m just in a different season of life. Or maybe I’ve grown I don’t know but I’m just done.

I almost don’t want close friends other than Terry and my family. It almost seems like it would be easier to have people I talk to occasionally and hang out with but no one I share my deepest darkest secrets with. I don’t know. I feel like there are a few people at work who could be those people. But hey I’m too scared to ask if they want to hang out. 😂 I’m a legit fucked up mess I am.

Also if you have made it this far thank you. I know my punctuation sucks and I’ve been going on and on and on. And this probably seems like a mile long, but the words are just flowing out of me. Heck I never know if anyone ever reads these anyway. It shows people look at them, but who knows if they get something out of it or if they just laugh at my problems or open it only to close it.

My goal this year is to write at least once if not more a month. If I start therapy I’ll share about that journey. I’ll keep sharing about life updates. Heck I’ll talk about anything you want to hear about. Interact with me!

I guess I’ll end this here for now. Don’t forget to turn your clocks ahead tonight! (Saturday night)

Peace and love ✌🏻💕

Quick life update

Hi all, I hope I’m finding you with your new years off to a better start than 2020 was. I thought I would hop on here and give you all a little update of what has been happening the past couple of weeks here in January.

I started my new job the beginning of the month and just had the two weeks of online orientation here at home. This week was my first week in the hospital on the unit. I.ABSOLUTELY.LOVE.IT. Behavioral health is so where I’m supposed to be. I love the flow, I love the atmosphere, I love everything about it. I feel confident in my position. I’m doing literally everything I can. I’m charting, doing 1:1 assessments, pulling meds, giving meds, talking to doctors, talking to families and patients, I even did part of a discharge on my second day! Guys, I’m telling you I don’t know where all this came from. I LOVE MY JOB! On that flip side though, I still need to pass the NCLEX. I take that in about a month or so. I’m so nervous and scared I won’t pass. Doing and feeling so well at work, makes me fear not passing because I will have to stop orientation until I pass it. It sickens me to even think about it but there it is sitting in my head.

I’ve also realized a lot about myself, and learned from my patients already in two days. I see myself in some of them. I learn about how to control feelings and how to cope with different thoughts. I feel so at home on that unit it’s not even funny. I’m exhausted when I go home but I’m always ready to hop up and do it again. I was actually kind of sad that I had an online class today from home instead of coming in for a shift.

Then we have some not so good things happening already in the first few weeks of the year. About midweek of that first week of January, my dad was sent to the ER thinking he was having a stroke. Just by what mom was telling me I already had an idea of what it was and it was definitely not a stroke. The next day my prediction was proved correct. Dad has 4 new lesions on his brain, causing the left side of his face, his arm and hand to feel numb. We had a plan, but we should know by now that plans don’t work for us. He was supposed to get the Covid vaccine in February and start a new medication after both doses were complete. These new lesions had another plan and caused dad to have to start his new medication early, last week to be exact. This caused some horrible (okay mild but I’m his daughter so I’m going to exaggerate everything) side effects. Woke up with a 102 fever and chills. Luckily he was fine after that and he has even reported this week that he feels better than he has been. We shall see what tomorrow brings when he gets his second shot. I love my dad more than anything and I wish I could split myself in half to be with him and work because I feel guilty for not being there. We will get stronger and we will be walking again. You just watch.

Speaking of Covid shots, I receive my second one tomorrow. I’ve heard bad and good things about the second dose so I’m interested on what I will feel like come Friday night and Saturday. My first shot my arm was the only thing that hurt and I was a little extra tired but nothing major. Wish me luck.

Keep following me for updates on my, my dad, my family, and everything else in between. There’s a surgery in my near future so we will see how that plays out with my mental health.

Peace and love friends

Be aware of your words… ears are meant for hearing.

I hate that I’m sitting here writing this blog. I hate that I even had to be in this situation to begin with. The plus side of this instance is that it will better myself in career.

Yesterday I punched a wall. Literally. It was fine I went about my day. My anxiety and depression has been sky high the past few days. Well I come to my parents today and I’m trying to nap with the dog and my hand just is not having it. So swollen painful can’t move it. So off to the ER I go.

You know those questions they ask when you come in? Do you feel safe at home and do you feel like harming yourself or others? Well for the first time since any of my mental struggle I answered yes to harming myself. No, I didn’t want to kill myself and no I didn’t have a plan. I didn’t want to take pills I just wanted to hurt to feel better. I know how the medical field is when they hear those words though and she said you know I have to keep the door open which I did. That’s fine I don’t mind that part. Here’s the part that got me.

She walks out and tells a couple people that they need a certain room for a “suicidal”. Loud enough that someone walking the halls can hear, I can hear, someone coming to registration can hear. I hear another voice annoyed say are you serious? And something about I thought it was just a hand? Another voice that calls and says we need a sitter. All loud enough I can hear loud enough that I cry harder.

I knew one of those nurses. I know she went to the same school I did (disadvantages of a small town). They came in and said we will go to this room now. I sit in there and after the doctor comes to talk to me I guess it was determined that I wasn’t at risk of needing a sitter because no one showed up. But you know what showed up? Embarrassment, self hate, self loathing, annoyance.

I made sure they knew I was a nurse (well graduate nurse but still) that I was working with mental health and I know what the protocols are. I made sure they knew I was not happy with them. You got mmhmm and yups and no’s. You come and talk about me like it’s a burden behind my back, don’t expect me to open up. I just wanted a dang x-ray.

They teach us in school how to appropriately speak to patients in this situation and how to properly talk at the nurses station with something like this. I’ve been conscious of this from the get go before I even started school. I felt disrespected, judged, looked down upon, all because my mental status wasn’t good. Luckily all it was was bruised but it was just my hand leaving bruised, it was my ego, my heart, and more importantly the way I viewed myself.

Do you know what I’ve been doing since I got back to my parents? Eating quietly, sitting quietly, yet yelling at the dog because she keeps crying to sit in my lap. Yelling at my parents because they said something incorrect. Mumbling under my breath at something on T.V because they said the wrong thing. Holding back tears that I didn’t think were still in my body after the amount I’ve already cried.

Keep in mind people who are fighting battles you know nothing about. They have ears that are made for hearing. No peace and love tonight folks, just plain disappointment.

You never saw it coming….

You always hear and see those posts where they talk about how mental illness isn’t real because you can’t see it or it’s not important because it’s not physical but you’ve got that all wrong. I never knew though it can go both ways…

Back story: my dad’s multiple sclerosis relapsed and progressed this past week, finding new lesions on his spine in three places. It’s affected him from the waist down and now needs a walker to do any movement. I went home for a couple days to help so my mom could go to work. When I tell you this has thrown my life upside down and backwards im not kidding and my dad and I have a closer and more special bond now than we ever had. Yeah, I cry randomly all the time now, I feel guilty for not being there more, I feel like it’s my job to take care of him. I’m protective of him and am super picky who is helping him. Over those couple of days though we had many conversations and cries together, I’m never looking at anything the same again.

We spent a lot of our time together talking about how his legs feel and how he really actually doesn’t feel them. How he’s been thinking about what if this is it. What if he can’t drive anymore or plant the garden. I brought up how my worst fear is him not being able to walk me down the isle or have our daddy daughter dance. Him knowing me we started talking about how people say they understand this is difficult for him. He voiced his concern that no people really don’t understand what it feels like unless they experience it and how yeah I tell him I understand and I sympathize with him but I don’t truely get it. I made the comment yeah but… and he cut me off saying I know you worry about me and I said well yes but that’s not what I was going to say. I told him how he’s right no one knows what’s it’s like unless you go through that but it’s the same with my mental illness. I said you telling me I don’t need my medication or that I’m actually fine to just stop worrying, is like the same when people tell him I know what you’re going through. This is when things got way too much for me to handle.

This man who I’ve looked up to my whole life who I was now taking care of looked at me and said, you know I’ve actually been thinking about that a lot lately and I know I don’t know what you’re going through. I don’t know what it’s like for you. Then he started crying. Which made me cry so we stood crying together (I was holding him up so he didn’t fall.) As I’m helping him back to his chair he says you know all I want is good things for you and the best for you and I feel like I can’t help you with that. I worry about you.

All I could say was dad I’m fine, we need to worry about you through choked back tears. Guys, this man who just found out his debilitating illness has progressed and his life changed overnight is over here worrying about me and my mental health. When I say my jaw hit the floor it did.

I’ve been fighting my inner self for days now. Being needed for work, for school, for Terry, for my family, for Terry’s family, for my dad. I know there’s isn’t 5 of me but damn it I wish there was. I feel guilty for not being closer to home. I feel guilty I’m not here for Terry, I feel guilty I have to miss parts of class to care for my dad, I feel guilty I have to work and not be able to help at home. Dad told me not to inconvenience myself and worry about work and Terry and not him. I’m 27 and I never thought I’d be sitting here saying that it’s my job to care for my parent this young. He spent 20 some years caring for me and now it’s my turn.

My mental health has taken a huge drop while in nursing school. Every semester something has happened to family mine or Terry’s. 2 months and I’m done and that’s one of the reasons I’ll be glad to be done. My family needs a break. We need time to process everything that’s happened in the past 20 months. I need more family time.

Ellie has no idea what’s going on. She’s so confused why dad can’t get on the floor and play or why he can’t just go outside all the time now. Or why he has this scary looking thing when he walks. Why she can’t sit with him for hours on end because he needs to continuously reposition himself. She sits and stares at him nonstop. She stares at us when we help him. 5 years that dog has been his best friend and they’ve been inseparable. Ellie misses her best friend the way he used to be… well Ellie I miss him too.

Life isn’t fair. It never will be. You pick yourself up and you keep going. Praying that one day something will happen and make it good again. Dads been pleading for good news from anyone he sees and has been getting angry when someone says bad news. He wants happy in his life and I can’t blame him. I would too if I woke up one morning and couldn’t walk. Remember it doesn’t matter if you see it or don’t, you don’t really know what someone is going through unless you’ve been there yourself. Be understanding and patient. Love them. Pray for them. Help them how they need it.

Peace and love my friends.. ✌🏻💕

Hello old friend…

Hi guys and welcome back to the crap show that is my life. You’d think with graduation coming up and things finally starting to work out I’d be happy and great right? Well not entirely.

I’m oh so happy I’m graduating soon I really am. But I can’t be happy 24/7 especially when I don’t feel like it. I’ve been away from my blog here, working out, doing anything productive besides school, and literally feeling like crap.

I’m 27, drama should be a thing of the past. Yet here it is finding me when I don’t want it. Feeling beaten down at work when all I do is say hi, to being told who I’m supposed to be friends with and who I’m not supposed to be friends with. Being told I can’t make my own decisions. Seriously though! Get over yourself! I’m an adult and last I checked these people say they are too. I’ve grown. But I still have that nagging thought that I’m not good enough that I just shouldn’t be here.

I have my good days and bad days, thankfully I have Terry there for both. Guys when I say I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him I’m telling the whole truth. He has saved me from the evils of my life and I’ll forever be blessed. I would not have made it through nursing school without him by my side!!

I know, none of this makes a lick of sense. Nothing flows together. It’s literally just a bunch of thoughts you read it great you don’t okay too. I’m out here trying to promote and advocate for mental health and educate and be here for those who need anything!

Featured

Hello..

Hi, my name is Ashley and I decided to start a blog about my mental health journey and to inform people of different things concerned with mental health. I want to start my first blog by giving you a small background of me and my story.

I’ve suffered with mental illness since as long as I can remember, probably in the 5th grade. I wasn’t clinically diagnosed until 2013 when one of my grade school friends committed suicide. This kicked my butt into gear to get to the doctor and figure out what was wrong. I cried all the time. I was moody and anxious. Scared of random thoughts and my brain never turned off. There were many times I wanted to harm myself and die. Which made no sense because I’m very scared to die, but that’s how badly I was feeling. It doesn’t help that for two years prior to being diagnosed I began a relationship with a person who ended up mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusing me. Something I didn’t realize until I got out of that situation 5 years later. I began that journey of medicine trials and counselors. My parents didn’t understand what was going on. Heck, I didn’t even know what was going on half the time. I was trying to understand what this was myself. Turns out the doctor said I have major depressive disorder and anxiety disorder. Telling him my feelings and thoughts felt good, but then I noticed my dad crying across the room. I never realized how much I kept from him. How hurt he now felt. Fast forward 6 years, multiple medicine changes, therapist changes, and life changes and you have me today.

I’m almost 26 and still have yet to really have my depression and anxiety under control. Small changes and bigger changes trigger different parts that my medicine doesn’t help. It’s difficult. I won’t lie about that. The changes though are that I have an amazing support system. My dad understands even more and I would say is my biggest supporter. My boyfriend comes in a close second. These two men have been there for me through a lot.

I want my blog to be helpful, to be something you can read not to give me pity but to help you understand when your loved one isn’t acting themselves. I want this blog to be where you can come to me with questions you may have. I want to educate, and break that stigma. Updates of my struggles, my hardships, my happy events will be written about. I want to help in any way I can!

All I ask is that you are kind and thoughtful when you read my blogs. Don’t be hateful or judge-mental. So folks, enjoy my blog and don’t hesitate to ask questions or give me topics you’d like to see me write about. I will get more into my story in blogs to follow.

Peace and love ✌🏻💕