Late night (early morning?) thoughts

I guess it’s time for an update friends. It’s been a busy few months yet not much has happened. I passed my NCLEX in February and officially became RN, BSN. I absolutely adore and love my job and what I get to do for a living now. I’m still going home and helping around the house with my dad and I’m trying to get use to strictly night shift life again. And that’s pretty much it. Okay byeee.

Wait did you think I was actually going to give you something good to read?

You right, I am. I hope, anyway.

Get this. I work in pediatric psych. I have my own psych issues. People all around me do as well. Yet it still feels like the psych world is still taboo. I share share share about all my stuff. I try to advocate. I try to educate.

Do you know how hard it is to have a successful night at work but you have no one to tell? No one to tell that you helped a kid process their coping skills, helped someone calm down from anxiety, had a kid tell you that seeing you was a high point in their night. I don’t do specifics but it’s nice to tell someone about my shift especially if I made a difference.

My dad and Terry are always my go to people but they aren’t comfortable with it. It feels to me like Terry is uncomfortable talking about situations like this but I know would listen and my dad has his own stuff that me hardly mentioning work makes him panic. I just want to share how much my job has changed me. How much it has taught me in 2 and a half months. It’s tough. Really tough.

So if you’re reading this go back up and read how my nights at work have been going on the positive side of things! I’ll share with you all! I have never felt so confident and comfortable in a job than I do now. I have never had a job where I’m excited to get up and go work it every shift. There are actually a lot of perks of working on a psych floor and having a mental illness yourself. You learn too! You get validation and coping skills. It’s always something new!

Yeah I’ve had a few bad shifts. Like any job it’s not going to be amazing every time, but I’ve already learned how to take those situations and turn them into learning experiences for myself and to grow my skills as a nurse. I learn how to become the stern nurse who has to put her foot down for the safety of my kids. The nurse who cracks a joke to get a kids mind off something troubling them. The nurse who gets squinted at and asks if I’m new because I dyed my hair and I looked different from the other night 😂.

Despite all these things coming from work though, I’ve been struggling. BAD. Be it my whacked out sleep schedule, trying to get my meds on a decent consistent schedule, feeling like I have no purpose now that all I’m doing is work, to feeling fat and disgusting, to not being able to breathe because it feels like my chest gets bigger every day. I’m on the never ending struggle bus. I spent 2 hours crying the other night stuffing my face. And then proceeded to feel like shit about myself and try to hide the evidence. I’ve become the non compliant med taker. And I hate myself for that. I get a high for the first few hours I’m awake where I self care and do my makeup and hair and dress cute and am super positive and a go getter, to a low like a flip of a switch where I wash all makeup off hair goes in a bun and I curl up and cry or sleep.

Guys my whole outlook for 2021 was self-care. I’ve half assed it so far. Two days of make up and hair, using new shampoo and face products and then being lazy and forgetting about it. A new tattoo. To saying I’m going to get a new hobby but just making it all talk. I’ve decided to try a counselor/therapist again. We will see how much it puts me back and you’ll see me back here later saying that didn’t work out. I can’t commit. Hell the only thing I’ve committed to the longest is Terry. And dogs. I’m finally doing something huge for myself too this year and I already pushed it back. To the end of the year. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Those that know me know I’ve been gifted in the chest a few times over, and come this November I’ll be reducing it a bit. I’m so ready for less back pain. Normal looking buttoned shirts. Normal.sized.bras. If not for the new job I would have been doing this in April. And that’s really thrown my down, because we have vacation in June and I was wanting to be able to enjoy that without all that extra baggage. But life happens.

You know what else happens? Friends come and go. We’re they really friends if they are no longer there though? For the past few weeks it’s literally been me and Terry. You look at my messages and literally anyone I text is mainly him, my mom, and our group chat with Terry’s family.

I got very disappointed with a friend a few weeks back and it’s been bugging me so bad. So bad that I feel like I really haven’t even celebrated passing the NCLEX. Feeling like it’s not real. See they sent me a screenshot of my license before I even got to look it up. I didn’t get to find out I passed myself. It was more a second hand thing. You all are probably thinking it shouldn’t matter you passed.

Wrong. I didn’t spend two years of my life dedicating myself to school work and almost ten years of my life doing jobs I didn’t like to not be the one to find out I passed. I had literally been checking the website every hour on the hour and was literally about to check it again and that happened. I’m still having a hard time processing it. I act fine and happy and excited “yay!” But I’m not. I wanted that suspense of it loading and seeing my name pop up with a license number. This has really been troubling me. Bad. I don’t hold grudges or I try not to. Maybe I’m just in a different season of life. Or maybe I’ve grown I don’t know but I’m just done.

I almost don’t want close friends other than Terry and my family. It almost seems like it would be easier to have people I talk to occasionally and hang out with but no one I share my deepest darkest secrets with. I don’t know. I feel like there are a few people at work who could be those people. But hey I’m too scared to ask if they want to hang out. 😂 I’m a legit fucked up mess I am.

Also if you have made it this far thank you. I know my punctuation sucks and I’ve been going on and on and on. And this probably seems like a mile long, but the words are just flowing out of me. Heck I never know if anyone ever reads these anyway. It shows people look at them, but who knows if they get something out of it or if they just laugh at my problems or open it only to close it.

My goal this year is to write at least once if not more a month. If I start therapy I’ll share about that journey. I’ll keep sharing about life updates. Heck I’ll talk about anything you want to hear about. Interact with me!

I guess I’ll end this here for now. Don’t forget to turn your clocks ahead tonight! (Saturday night)

Peace and love ✌🏻💕